Love? Lust? Something More? Or Something Less?
by ChryedLover
Summary: Christian and Syed's love story! Is it true love? Or just a meaningless affair? Based on the real storyline but how I want things to go .. Keep checking back as I will be adding more chapters. Please favourite, review etc. Greatly appreicated x
1. Chapter 1 Realization and Decisions

**Chapter 1 – Realization and Decisions**

**Christian's POV:**

I could feel his soft, tender fingers on my face. Each stroke, each touch was way more intimate than one could ever imagine. His fingers traced my profile. First my eyelids, then along my nose, across to my cheekbones, down my jaw line then eventually coming to a rest on my lips. My heart was beating faster than normal. His fingers lingered on my lips and I could taste him. Slowly, my lips parted ever so slightly as I kissed the fingers of my lover.

I opened my eyes and saw the vision of a flawless, sexy man looking down at me. His tousled black hair was a look that even Brad Pitt strived to perfect, and always failed miserably. I allowed myself a look at his face before his I met his eyes. His face currently held a confused look. It was like he couldn't quite put his finger on something. His eyes were drawn together as his thick eyebrows leant into each other. He was biting his bottom lip gently, the way he did when he was nervous. As I met his eyes, his entire face relaxed. His face was alive with his smile. It was a coy smile that gave me a feeling of a major drop somewhere in the pit of my stomach. A couple of moments passed without us speaking. I was lost somewhere in those beautiful chocolate, light brown eyes and I never wanted to come out. I could almost feel a magnetic attraction drawing me to those eyes that I craved. I could feel an involuntary smile appearing on my face. Looking into those bottomless eyes that often melted me every time we made love; I knew that this was it. This was what I had been waiting for, for the last 34 years of my life. This is love.

My hands pulled his face slowly towards me as I kissed his lips for what seemed like an eternity. His eyes were closed as he was lost in the kiss. Slowly, I pulled his body towards me, onto me. I wanted to make love to him, like never before. I ran my hands down his body. The sun was shining through a crack in the curtains. The sun was shining onto his tanned skin. Gently, I tugged his tight blue t-shirt over his neck. His skin was warm against mine. I ran my fingers down his chest and rested just above his belt. I gave him a suggestive look as he smiled a coy smile that was just for me. He pulled back off the bed and I sat up as he undid his belt, slid his trousers and boxers down. I looked him up and down and he shivered, but I knew it wasn't from the cold. Passionately, I pulled him onto me and he flinched as our bodies touched. He was warm and my hands must have cold as they ran up his neck. His kisses were soft and sweet onto my neck. Each kiss was as if he was relaying a special message onto my body that no one else would know about... I gripped the hair at the nape of his neck tightly as I was transported to another world where only he and I existed.

Sometime later after he had left to go back to the unit, I lay in bed thinking about him. It hurt knowing that he would be going back to his fiancée that evening, but I'd rather him like this, than not at all. This was my decision because I knew that I had finally met my soul mate. I'd met him in the form of Syed Masood. Business man, son, but ultimately and most importantly, my only true love.

**Syed's POV:**

His skin was so soft yet I could feel the hard muscle underneath it. I was perched on the edge of the double bed, tracing the profile of the sleeping man lying under me. A random thought drifted through my head asking me why my hand wasn't shaking. Maybe because this was right. I shook my head as if to physically remove the thought. My mind had been in turmoil for the last hour. Well if I was honest, it had been in this state for the last few months. I shouldn't even be here. I should be across the square with my fiancée, cooing over her and organizing our wedding. Yet here I was, with my finger currently resting on his warm, perfectly sized lips. He kissed my finger and my eyes widened in shock. Maybe he did it sub-consciously or was he awake. My body was tingling and the nerves of my finger were standing on the edge, electrified. I focused on his eyes as I waited for them to open. Sure enough, those eyes that couldn't just see me, but see my _soul _itself were now searching my face for a clue. His sea-green eyes didn't meet mine immediately. It took a couple of seconds but when they did, my entire body relaxed. How could someone even have this effect on me? Was it even possible? I could feel myself willingly drowning in his eyes.

Adrenaline coursed through my body and my heart rate was accelerating faster than I even imagined possible as he wrapped his arms around me. Our lips met and we kissed what felt like an eternity. His cool fingers were running down my chest and he rested on my belt. He raised his eyebrow and gave me a half smile. The look was most definitely suggestive. The look that he gave me as I stood there naked caused me to shiver involuntarily. It was an erotic look that left me almost weak at the knees. How could he do this to me? How could someone, no a _man,_ make me feel so special? I climbed onto him and flinched at his cold skin. He seemed not to notice as he pulled me close. I kissed his neck, the way I knew that he liked. Each kiss was soft and I could feel him hardening underneath me... As we had sex, I didn't allow myself to think. I only felt him. Words and thoughts were simply irrelevant as our bodies did all the communicating...

As I walked across the square to the unit, my mind was once again in turmoil. It was like every time we slept together, I felt overwhelmed with the guilt afterwards. How could I do this to Amira? How could I cheat on her? How could I betray my own religion that represented everything I stood for?

Walking down the stairs into the kitchen, these thoughts ran through my head. The kitchen was eerily quiet. I looked towards the office where I had the cheek to accuse my lover of blackmailing me. I found myself walking towards that room. It was where he'd hugged me, comforted me as guilt threatened to overthrow me. It was where he called me his "boyfriend". I'd thrown it back into face and he took it. Christian Clarke took everything that I threw at him. Words, abuse, hurt ... Shutting the door, I slumped against it, my hands in my head. My phone beeped. Almost reluctantly, I opened the text message. "_Just a text to tell you that I love you. Amira xx"_ I dropped my phone as the realization of the enormity of what I was doing hit me. This couldn't continue. It was time to make a decision.


	2. Chapter 2 FireBurning Consequences

**Chapter 2 – Addiction with Fire-Burning Consequences**

**Syed's POV:**

_Swings – 4__th__ November 2009 _

The swing creaked gently as I scuffed the wooden chips with my toe. The swing area would be dark in the next hour. I hated that about winter. It was like you didn't have enough time. Christian was sitting beside me on the other swing. Neither of us was speaking at the moment. I took another breath. I opened my mouth ... and nothing came out. I tried again. Same happened. This wasn't working.

"Look Sy, I can tell you want to say something, so why not just come straight out and tell me"

I looked up. "Was I really being that obvious"?

He chuckled quietly to himself. "Yeah, you were. So come on what is? I need to go and meet Roxy to make plans for bonfire night tomorrow".

I hesitated. I didn't know how to start. "You know, this blackmailing has made me think a lot more about..." I paused. "..things lately" I continued. "It's also bought it home to me that I'm actually marrying Amira in 2 months".

Christian's voice was cool. "So where are you going with this"?

I shrugged more to myself. How could I answer him when I didn't even know myself?

"It's more like ... I'm reminding you".

I stole a glance at him from the corner of my eye. Christian was leaning forward with both feet firmly on the ground. His hands were pressed together as his nose rested on them lightly. For an absurd moment, it almost looked like he was praying. But then again I knew him well enough to know that was his automatic stance when he was thinking deeply about something. I waited patiently for a response. I wanted to see what Christian's reaction was going to be. Almost as if he heard me, he turned his head to the right.

"Should we break up"? There was no bias in his voice.

"I – I don't – I'm not sure". My pleading voice couldn't make it any more obvious could it?

"Well go on, break up with me". His tone was clear.

"I – I don't want to do this to you, Christian".

"Do what? Go on, tell me. "

I didn't answer.

"You can't have it both ways Syed. You don't want to leave Amira but you don't want to leave me. What, after you get married, do you really think there's still going to be a you and me? "His hurt voice rang clear into my head.

He was right. But I didn't have the guts to finish it with either of them. I loved Amira and Christian, well he meant a lot to me. But I didn't know what to do. I couldn't reply.

"Look, I've got to go". He stood tall. "But tell you what. Why don't you have a good think and then when _you_ know what you want, come and tell me"? I traced his voice for sarcasm, but I couldn't find any. Was he being for real or not? My heart said yes, but my head almost _wanted_ him to be mocking me. Because at least then, I could get angry, yell at him, break up with him. But Christian was too much of a gentleman to do that. I groaned inwardly. This was so hard.

"Why are you so nice to me"? I said as I stood up with him. It was a rhetorical question but Christian chose to answer it.

"Because I am".

"Isn't there any other way this could work"

"Like maybe an alternative universe. I've got to go. I'll see you around Sy".

He turned and walked away from me. I watched his broad shoulders fitted tightly to his brown jacket, were tensed ever so slightly. The average naked human eye wouldn't notice it, but I was so well tuned to him, I could tell. I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms and tell him that everything was going to be alright. If only I could. If only I could let him go. If only I wasn't so addicted to him.

**Christian's POV:**

_The following evening – 5__th__ November 2009 – Bonfire Night_

Roxy didn't notice me immediately when I went into the Vic.

"Sorry, out. We'll be at the bonfire later, so buy your drinks then". She shooed Lucas and Denise out, shut the door, locked it and turned around. "Christian! How did you get in"?

"Door". I pointed to the door.

"Argh! I thought I locked it!"

As she placed a kiss on my cheek and locked the door, I asked her a pretty obvious question.

"Err Roxy. Why are you closing the Vic"?

"Because, Ronnie, Auntie Peggy and I decided that we are doing something new. Queen Vic on tour!" "Ta-da" She struck her arms out as if she was posing.

"But what happened to us hitting central London for the fireworks display".

Roxy stood there for a moment before her hand flew to her mouth.

"Oh Christian! I'm so sorry! I totally forgot!!"

Oh great I thought as she threw her arms around me.

"This was a last minute thing we organised and it totally slipped my mind".

I shrugged. "Its fine, don't worry about it". I'd find something else to do instead.

"Don't _not _go because of me"

"Nah its fine"

"I feel really bad now".

"Don't. It's fine I mean in. I'll go watch Ian and his bonfire. I mean would I really want to miss an opportunity of Ian making a complete fool of himself"?

She smiled. "I'm sorry. Really. I'll tell you what. I'll make it up to you on Saturday. You and me can hit the town and I'll get Dad to babysit Amy. He's been after me for weeks now".

I nodded. "It's a date".

She laughed and looked at her watch. "What's wrong"?

"I'm waiting for Jack to come and take Amy but he's held up on the Overground and I really need to leave so I can help Auntie Peg and Ronnie set up".

"Ok. Well I'll ring you later babe". I kissed her and left.

Oh well. I might as well watch the fireworks in Walford, if anything. I shut the Vic doors behind me and looked up. Amira and Syed were strolling hand in hand laughing at something. Their heads were bent close together and Syed's arms were draped around Amira. I felt a pang of jealousy in my heart. Syed looked up and saw me. Our eyes met for a moment and shaking my head I walked away. He hadn't contacted me since yesterday afternoon. There was me feeling sorry for him, thinking how hard it must be, but quite clearly not. Obviously I didn't matter. I stopped. I wasn't in the mood for celebrations all of a sudden. Turning around, I walked back into the Vic.

"Roxy". She turned around. Her platinum blonde hair was open and hanging loosely around her shoulders. She was wearing a baby blue shirt with her sleeveless denim jacket over it. She had a black short skirt, and blue leggings on and heels. "I'm more than happy to babysit Amy, if Jack's still not here". She went to protest but I stopped her. "No, I mean it. I've got nothing else to do".

She looked dubiously at her phone. "But I've already ruined your evening".

I shook my head. Syed had.

"No you haven't. I'd like nothing more than to spend some quality time with Amy. I haven't seen her for ages".

Roxy's face lit up with her smile."Oh thank you, thank you, thank you" Picking up her jacket and bag she left me instructions. "Amy's already been fed and changed a little while ago. She's asleep in her cot at the moment and I doubt she'll wake up. There's a baby monitor under the bar if you wanna help yourself to a drink, then you know where everything is". Within a few moments, she was out of the door.

Locking the door behind her, I walked upstairs. Amy was fast asleep. I stroked her cheeks gently. Looking down on her, I felt so ... many different things. I felt happiness yet sadness. I'd never have my own child to hold, to love, to cherish. It just wasn't fair. I had everything to offer, yet I had no opportunity. I loved Amy but it just wasn't the same.

**Syed's POV:**

Amira gasped at the fireworks and pointed at them. "Wow. Syed did you see that one"? I nodded. "What about that one"? It was Amira's turn to nod. Eventually, the firework display finished and left the smell of smoke lingering in the air. We walked towards my family and stood with them. Amira and Tamwar were already discussing Catherine Wheels and my mum was complaining to my dad about the fireworks causing the baby to jump. My mind was elsewhere as I scanned the crowds. He wasn't here. Seeing Christian had been a bit of a shock. I hadn't contacted him because I didn't know what to say to him and he must have been surprised at the least to see Amira and I strolling down hand in hand. In fact, he must have already thought I'd decided. I kicked myself mentally. I should speak to him and set him straight.

* * *

We were one of the first to leave. I really wanted to get home and Amira was cold. Only 10 odd people had gone and I didn't want to hang around.

We waved to my parents and Tam as they called it a night. Amira and Patrick were engrossed in talks of the wedding as Patrick reminisced on his wedding. I heard a shrill ringtone and Patrick pulled his phone out. "Excuse me". He looked apologetic to Amira as he answered it. Amira linked her arm in mine and pressed it against mine. She jerked her head. "Do you want to make a move babe, it's really cold". I nodded and we waved at Jane, Ian and Patrick before walking out of the park.

"That was fun". Amira spoke first.

"Yeah it was, although I don't think the baby liked it much".

She laughed. "Just imagine, in a couple of years time, that might be me".

My heart jumped. "Yeah. Maybe". I didn't know what else to say. We walked in silence for a few minutes. "Can you smell burning". Maybe she detected my lack of comfort and it was her way of changing the subject, although I would expect her to pursue the subject. "No, its probably just the smoke from the fireworks". We walked on for a few more steps. I stopped. I could distinctly smell burning. We looked at each other as cries reached our ears. We turned the corner and stopped. There was a crowd gathered outside the Vic and it was clear to see why. We ran to our families who were on the side

"What's happened"? "Is anyone inside"? I looked at my parents in shock. The back of the Vic had caught alight. It was a small fire. "No, according to Darren, Jack was babysitting Amy and everyone else was at the bonfire". Ricky, Shirley, Minty and my dad were trying to chuck water but not much was happening. In fact, it had the opposite effect. My mum continued. "It happened about a minute ago. Heather's phoned the fire service and Jay was sent to get the Mitchell's. I tried to ring Peggy but she's not answering". My heart thudded. Thank goodness no one was inside. The next sound was unmistakeable. BOOM! An explosion. Ricky, Minty, my dad and Shirley staggered back. Flames were already licking the door and spreading through the Vic at a fast rate.

I heard a scream and everyone spun to find the source. A pathway opened up the middle as Roxy ran down the middle. More members of the Square followed her. "Amy!" "What, I thought she was with Jack". Roxy hit the door but it had no effect. "No! Jack never came and Christian's babysitting her inside".

My heart stopped for just a minute. I swear it did. I thought she said Christian. My brain refused to accept this information.

"Amy! Christian!" Roxy's screams were louder this time. Everyone sprung into action around me. It was like slow motion.

"Get them out" "Someone call the fire brigade again" "Catch Roxy" The meanlingless words were unidentifiable to me. I looked to the door and saw Lucas kick it down.

"No!" Denise's shout was water off a duck's back as he tried to go in. Everyone's eyes were fixed anxiously as we waited for him to re-appear. "Come on where are they?" Amira tapped her foot as she dialled 999 again. "There he is".

Lucas staggered out coughing into his jacket. "I'm sorry but the flames are too close to the stairs. I couldn't get through". Roxy's screams were useless as no one came out.

"LOOK". Ronnie screamed. She pointed to the top window where Christian could be seen. He threw the window open. "Christian"! "Take these" He threw down sheets and the front people ran to collect them. "I'm going to throw Amy". Roxy's scream pierced the night. "No!!!" "I have to, its the only way". "Are you ready". I looked straight ahead.

My brain was kickstarting. 6 people were holding the sheets. Taking a breath, Christian dropped Amy. Everyone rushed forward and "I've got her. I've got her" could be heard as well as sirens in the distance. As Roxy rushed forward, everyone's attention diverted to Christian.

He was coughing badly and his strength was weakening. "I wont be able to make it". "No"!!! I heard my voice the loudest. "Christian, you have to try" He shook his head. "I'm sorry".

A fire engine pulled up. Fire-fighters jumped out and sprang into action. I ran towards the door, grabbed one of the sheet's that had saved Amy and rushed in before anyone could stop me "Syed! Come back". Her voice was clear but I couldn't hear her.

I could only sense Christian's pain. It was amazing. The flames hadn't engulfed the front on the Vic. It was the back. I ran through and stopped at the stairs. The flames were taunting me as they bounced from surface to surface. I could feel the heat from where I was. I made a mental prayer to God. "Please, just let him live". Taking a deep breath, I pulled the sheet over my head and ran into the flames. The heat was unbearable. It felt like someone had dropped boiling hot oil on me, only the pain was a million times more than that. I'd barely taken a step when I could feel someone dragging me backwards. I looked around in shock. It was 2 fire-fighters. I struggled against them. "Leave me, save Christian". I coughed as smoke entered my mouth. They pulled me out. I looked up into the face of a mature man. "Leave us to do our job". I stopped struggling. I pulled my arms free and walked out the Vic with one other fire-fighter. Paramedics rushed to me. "Is he ok". "Syed, are you hurt"? I could hear the voices of my mum and Amira as I was checked over. I was being checked over but I couldn't take my eyes of the doorway. "Look, I'm fine, but can someone go and save Christian? I barely have a scratch".

"Quick, lets help them". My head turned so fast, it nearly cricked. Minty and Ricky had ran to the stretcher which was being pulled out and bought over to the ambulance. My heart plummeted as I saw Christian lying flat out on a white stretcher. He had an oxygen mask on his face and was wrapped up. Jane was at his side in an instant as others followed suit. "Make way". Everyone parted again to make space for them to pass to the ambulance.

I jumped off the seat and ran into the next ambulance. Ian, Jane, Lucy, Peter, and Bobby were right at the front. While others hung back to leave them in privacy, I pushed my way forward. "Come back Syed". Amira was calling me why? Did she expect me to leave Christian? "No, just – just, leave me alone Amira". The smell of burning was in the air and the cold winter wind was blowing left, right and centre. I'd reached the front and I felt physically sick just seeing Christian in the state.

Every area of flesh that I could see was covered in a blackened substance. His face was covered with mask and he wasn't moving. "Is he going to be alright? Please tell me that he is". Jane sobbed into Ian's shoulder and he tried to comfort her. Peter and Lucy were standing, holding Bobby between them as he cried. His mum was being held by his dad. Amira came up to me and linked my arm. She was looking on in shock. I wanted to comfort her, I really did, but I just couldn't.

I looked back to see if the paramedic had answered Jane's question. He hadn't. He briefed his paramedics and all I could hear was a lot of technical terms which for me wasn't a good thing. It meant something was wrong. The paramedic turned around and looked at Jane. "Well Ms Beale, I'm afraid it doesn't look good". My surrounding areas started spinning around. At this moment I was glad Amira was there as I clutched her arm for support.

"Mr Clarke has bad smoke inhalation. When we found him, he was weak but capable of carrying his own weight. But as we approached the top of the stairs, he collapsed and was exposed for at least 60 seconds which we believe has done serious damage to his lungs. We need to take him in tonight".

I nodded, dumbfounded. Jane stifled a sob. "Is my brother going to live, please just – ju – just tell me he is".

The paramedic nodded seriously. "Ms Beale, you need to understand the damage. He is currently unable to breathe on his own. He needs support. The next 24 are critical".

"What are his chances"? It was my turn to speak. I could feel various eyes on me as I spoke.

"Well Mr ..".

"Masood. Syed Masood. I'm a ... I'm his best friend". I felt Amira and my mum staring at me intently. They turned back to him and waited for an answer.

"Of course Mr Masood. He has a 50-50 chance. But like I said, the next 24 hours are critical".

"We're ready to leave now". We looked behind the paramedic and another paramedic came out of the back of the ambulance. I looked at his thin face. Was he going to save Christian?

I'm sorry, but I really have to go now to the. My colleague Laurie will answer any questions that you may have". I nodded my head without really focusing.

"Would you like to come to the hospital Ms Beale"? Jane almost jumped. "Yeah. I – I'll come". She turned to face Ian. "Go on and I'll keep the kids". She kissed them quickly and stepped into the ambulance. "Does Christian have a partner who would like to come"? I almost stepped forward. I physically restrained myself. I had an inkling of what it must feel like to be Christian. "No. Ok then, let's leave".

People around us began to leave to go home. Others went into the Vic with the Mitchell girls to help them. Me? Well I stood watching the ambulance as it drove away. I could feel people tugging at my arm to go with them. I wanted to stay here. Didn't they understand? It got further and further into the dark, and away from the moonlight. I might have seen Christian alive for the final time. As it did, I could feel just a section of my heart breaking...


	3. Chapter 3 Time

**Chapter 3 – Time**

**Syed's POV:**

_Masood Household, Syed's bedroom – 6__th__ November 2009 – 3.19am_

I turned over fitfully. I couldn't sleep. My mind was turning over and over of the last 24 hours. Jane had kept a bedside vigil but to no avail. Christian wasn't conscious but he wasn't in a coma either. Apparently, due to the high levels of damage and pain, his brain had shut down to stop feeling. I didn't even know that this was possible but apparently it was. It was like a deep sleep from which he occasionally woke. It would be possible for him to hear surrounding people when he woke, although whether he was able to respond was a completely different issue.

I hadn't been to visit him yet. I wasn't able to because it was almost as if seeing him in hospital would make it real. I hadn't eaten, slept or done anything, except just exist, just pray, and just hoped for the best. That wasn't too much to ask was it?

_The Square, Marketplace – Outside Stacey's stall – 7__th__ November 2009 – 9.31am_

I hugged Jane tightly. "That's great news. When did it happen"? Jane's face was tired and her usually tidy blonde hair was matted. You could tell she hadn't slept or bathed yet her smile shone through on her face. "It happened last night. Christian woke up last night for good. He doesn't need any skin grafts, because his skin actually isn't burnt". I smiled back at her but something didn't make sense. "But, his skin was totally black when he came out of the fire".

She nodded. "That was the immediate effects from the smoke".

I smiled radiantly. "That's great news. I'm so happy. Everyone's been so worried. Do you want me to spread the news"?

"Please do. I want to get back to him because, well I've got a surprise for him".

Curiosity arose in me. A surprise? "What kind of surprise"?

"Well, before we arrived at the hospital, he woke up and was saying 'James' before he fell back into .. into his – sleep. So anyway, I've taken James number from his phone and told him what's happened and I really want to be there when James arrives. He's going to be so happy".

James? I'd inhaled involuntarily when Jane had said that. I could feel a fake fixed smile on my face. "That's -good". I tried to keep my emotions under check.

Jane nodded enthusiastically. "I better be going". I hugged her quickly and stepped back as she left. After a couple of steps, Jane turned back to me. "Did you want me to pass on a message or something".

I hesitated before answering. Taking a deep breath, I spoke. "Just wish him and tell him that Amira wants her Fronk back". "Alright, I will do".

I walked away at the same time as Jane but in the opposite direction. My hands were shaking as I turned the key into the lock in the door. I slammed the door shut. "Is anyone home"? Silence greeted me. Good. I couldn't face anyone just yet. I ran up the stairs two at a time. James? He'd been saying James name? I could feel a hurt in me. Maybe that was because I'd been expecting my name. To say I was relieved that Christian was going to be ok was an understatement, but this new piece of information had knocked me for 6.

_That evening- Walford General Hospital_

I opened the door and let my family pass through. I wasn't sure if I could go in just yet. I took a few breaths and composed myself. I could hear the greetings, puns and jokes already being started inside. Christian's voice was inaudible. I took a step through the door."Syed"? Amira came back through the door at the same moment, so we'd met in the doorway. I gazed at her and tried to keep my attention away from the bed that was just a few metres away from it. Ok, yes everyone was fussing around, tucking the bed sheet in, or still greeting Christian but I didn't just want to see him until I was sure. "Yeah". I shook my head just slightly. "Are you ok?" I nodded. Amira slid her arms around my waist. "Listen, I know that it's hard seeing him like this, but he's going to fine. You're going to be fine too. I'm here". I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Just ignore me". Amira met my lips for just a second before I pulled away. I turned to face the room.

I walked towards the bed. Christian was facing away from me. He was staring at James who had the seat directly next to him. James was wearing a chequered green shirt and jeans. His hair had been cut shorter than it was last time and at least this time, unlike the last time I had seen him, he wasn't in tears. "Hey, Christian". Christian turned towards me. I met his eyes in an instant. His sea green eyes that had me almost physically melting in a nano second. Christian didn't speak immediately, just smiled briefly. His smile didn't meet his eyes and I could tell something was wrong.

James looked up. "Hi Syed. Glad you could make it". He stood up and I shook his hand. His grip was weak, unlike Christian's. As he sat down again, my eyes turned back towards my lover's. I realised they had never left mine. "I'm glad you're ok". His eyes shut as he nodded. "Me too". It was Amira who had spoken. She slid her arm around my waist as she stood next to me. "We need our Fronk back again". "I heard from Jane. Don't worry, I'll still make it the best wedding that it possibly can be for you too". It was the first time I'd heard his voice since then. It was the same but it was throaty and more croaky. I swallowed hard. "Yeah".

"So when did this happen". I snapped back into reality and saw as Tambo gestured at Christian and James. I'd drifted off into my own world. There were no chairs available so I'd been leaning against the wall. I'd tuned out of everyone else because it was easier that way. I noticed that Christian didn't answer. It was Jane who spoke and explained the story again. There were various oohing and awwing's going around me. "That's so sweet, isn't it babe". "Yeah it is". I coughed quietly and stood straight. "Does anyone want coffee or anything"? As everyone declined my request, I walked over to the door and the last thing I heard was "Looks like my Fronk has found his true love". I shut the door more forcefully that I was meant to. I walked over to the coffee machine that was located around the corner.

It had been so hard to see him like this, and now that he was a lot better than before, well what happened now? Christian had James and well Amira had me. I tried to push the feelings that were arising down. I breathed deeply, in through my nose and out through my mouth. I repeated it again. It worked. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, my mind was blank. Picking up the coffee cup, I walked back into the room. "Oh, sorry, We're going to make a move now, Syed. The baby is kicking and I want to go home to sleep. So your father is taking me home and come when you're ready". I shook my head. "It's fine. We'll come back and visit Christian another day". "Ooh, can we stay please". Amira looked pleadingly at me, she was more like a teenager sometimes. I groaned. "I'm really tired actually. He'll still be here tomorrow". "Actually, I wont". It was Christian who spoke. We both turned to look at him. He didn't speak. "I'm being discharged". He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I could see Amira's stance relaxing next to me but I stayed tense. "Are you even ready to come out yet? You've just been through a fire". Christian rolled his eyes. "Syed, I'm fine". "Are you sure? You must still be in pain".

"It's time that I left the hospital as well. I'm wasting a bed that someone else can use." Christian hesitated. My eyes were locked onto his. I could tell he wanted to say something but he wasn't sure. He spoke anyway. "Plus, it's not the external pain you should be worried about". I winced inside. I couldn't register whether or not I'd done it physically. That was a deliberate dig at me. "You better go, your fiancée is waiting". Amira looked on between us. "What are you two talking about"?

"Don't worry Princess. Let's go". I looked away defiantly and spoke to James. "See you around". "Yeah I will". I looked quizzically. "Oh, sorry I should have mentioned it. I'll be staying at Christian's flat to help him around and stuff 'cos obviously he's not up to it". I looked to Christian. He was staring away from me and refused to meet my gaze. I smiled and nodded at James while I tried to ignore everything that I was feeling inside my body. Amira was at the door, but I positioned my body so she could only see my back. James was fiddling around with a vase and talking to Amira. "What do you mean"? I mouthed. Christian just shook his head sadly at me. I blinked rapidly and suddenly turned. I didnt want to stay here for another minute.

As I walked out of Walford General Hospital, I realized that the time had come. Christian had finally moved on from me.


	4. Chapter 4 Mixed Emotions

**Chapter 4 – Mixed Emotions**

**Christian's POV:**

_15a Turpin Road – 9__th__November 2009 – 4.11pm_

"Um, can I borrow something"? I turned. I smiled as I saw him wearing a towel around his waist. "Yeah sure, there's a shirt over there. I've left you a pair of James' trousers because he's probably a better fit than me.". I indicated with my head to the bed. "It's nothing I haven't seen before you know". He angrily picked the shirt up. "I thought". He paused as he pulled the shirt over his head. "We weren't going to talk about this".

I sighed deeply. I'd been standing at the window watching James as he left. His overly protective motherly act was doing my head in so I'd persuaded him I was fine and sent him home. I'd almost felt bad because it had started pouring down with rain, but the thought of him asking me if I wanted another cup of tea had changed my mind. He'd told me that he'd ring me as soon as he was home.

The wind howled against the window while the rain spattered against it. Each drop was coming thick and fast, straight after the last one, it was relentless. That was one of the many things that I loved about Mother Nature. She could show you the most beautiful things, like the Sun rising over us and shining, bringing the whole world to light, but she also could turn in a split second. I turned my attention to the sky. There were dark grey clouds and it looked as if there was going to be one hell of a storm tonight.

I watched as Janine and Ryan ran across the Square. They were sharing a black umbrella together. She shouted as he moved it from over her head. In those few moments, her curls were already coming undone. She stomped off into the flat and shut the door on his face. I smiled to myself as he pounded the door. _"Hell hath no fury, like a woman" _My mother always said that to me and this mini-typical soap-esque like scenario between Janine and Ryan had reminded me of it.

I'd been watching the world go by from my flat window, when I'd seen him. He'd been walking up through the Square and was near the flat when he's stopped with a glum expression on his face. He was looking at his phone and I saw him stamp his foot childishly. He looked around and saw me from my window. He started walking again but I was already halfway out the flat with an umbrella. I called him into the flat but he'd stubbornly ignored me. "This is no time to be stubborn, Syed. You're going to catch a death of a cold. Just come inside". I could see it on his face as he was wavering.

I took the opportunity to discreetly look at him. The rain was dripping down his face and his white shirt was clinging to his body tightly underneath his black leather jacket. The wind picked up around us and I tried again to persuade him. "We don't have to talk about nothing, just please come in". A lightning crash could be heard over us. Well, it worked considering it had sent him scurrying into the flat with me before the next torrent of rain came down on us.

I'd chuckled quietly as we walked upstairs and he told me that he'd forgotten his keys, his parents and Jane had gone to a function so the unit was shut and he'd left his keys at home with his house keys. The pub was still closed from the fire so he had nowhere to go, to shelter from the rain. He'd been on his ways to Amira's when she'd sent him a text to say she also was out, when I'd seen him and more or less saved him from catching pneumonia.

I turned my attention back to the current situation. A few seconds had passed. "I knew I should have gone to the cafe. This was a bad idea". "The cafe? I didn't know things are that bad between us, that you would rather have Ian's company than mine". I almost thought he was going to smile but he didn't.

I couldn't understand him. After that hospital visit, I hadn't seen him or heard from him at all. It just didn't make sense. I walked over to the counter and picked up two mugs of steaming tea. I held one out to him. He hesitated. "I don't charge you know". He took a mug, being careful to avoid touching my hands. "Sorry". We walked over to the sofa. Syed took a seat on the far end. My shirt was too baggy for him, but it almost suited him, because he looked vulnerable. It was like he was lost in the shirt and I was right about the fitting of the trousers. We sat in silence.

"Where's James"? I placed my mug onto the coffee table. "He's gone home". "What, why"? His face was a picture of genuine shock. "He wasn't going to stay here forever". It was Syed's turn to put his mug down. He turned to face me. "But – but I thought you and him.." I raised my eyebrows at him. He trailed off and looked at me. "What? What exactly did you think Syed"? It was almost as if I could see missing pieces of jigsaws slotting together in my head. It all made sense. _Of course!_ No wonder he didn't come. I felt like a complete idiot. How could I have not realized? He was _jealous._ "You're jealous". My voice was incredulous. "No, I'm not". "Yes you are". He stood up and automatically I stood up with him. "What makes you think that"? Syed's voice was challenging me. "Let's see. You come to the hospital to see me, yet you hardly spoke to me there. You spent the whole time watching both of us; you've avoided me ever since then". "I was not watching you two". "Yes you were Syed, just admit it. I _saw_ it in your eyes when you left. I just can't figure out why it took me so long to realize". Syed never spoke. His silence was all the confirmation I needed. He looked down at his hands which he was tying together nervously.

"What's wrong"?

"When you were in there Christian, I thought I was going to lose you forever". Finally. He was actually talking to me, letting me inside his head and into his thoughts. Gently, I took his hands and sat down with him. "It was – it was so hard. When I heard that you were in there, I swear I thought my heart would stop. Then actually seeing you up there in the window with me screaming at you to come out, then when you fell from my view, I – I didn't even know what happened. All I knew was that I had to get you out and well like you know, I tried to go in".

WHAT? This was definitely news to me. Syed had come in after me? "No". My voice was barely audible. "I don't know". "Didn't anyone tell you"? I knew his expression was mirrored on my face. Words failed me so I just shook my head at me. "Everyone was so concerned over whether I was going to live, no one actually told me". Syed didn't speak for a moment. "Lucas went in first, and I went in after". I breathed slowly, exhaling carefully. "What happened?" My voice was sharper than I intended. Syed's voice was shaking slightly as he spoke. "I ran – I ran up and took the sheets that you threw down for Amy and I ran into the Vic".

"Oh Syed". I looked at him intently. "Why would you do that"? "I – I had to, Christian. I couldn't leave you up there". I shook my head. "You could have been killed!" He'd run into a fire to save me. "It didn't matter". I looked Syed full into the face. His eyes showed me that he was deadly serious. "I – I couldn't leave you up there. All alone, scared". He looked down at our hands which were so close together, yet not actually physically touching. "What happened next"? I didn't realize I was whispering, until after I heard the words leave my mouth. "I ran in and stopped at the foot of the stairs. The fire was contained there. I prayed for you, and ran in". His voice was hushed. "Then ..?" I needed to know what happened next. "I made it to the stairs, but I was dragged out before I could run upstairs". I nodded slowly as my brain absorbed this information in. "How could you do that"? Syed jumped at my voice. I didn't realize it was so loud. "Wha – What?" "How could you come in after me?" I could imagine Syed running in. My stomach turned as I thought of him in those flames, in danger because of me.

"You would seriously risk your own life for me? Why? You could've been hurt. Seriously hurt". I was no longer standing and was now pacing the room. I turned and looked at Syed. His face showed me that I'd touched a nerve. I stopped and stared at him. I realized how that actually must have sounded to him. I walked over to him and held his warm face between my hands while I stared deeply into his eyes. "You must promise me that you will never ever risk your life for me". He started to shake his head but I held fast. I drew my face closer to his and stopped when all I could see were his eyes. "Promise me". My heartbeat was increasing. Just being in such a close vicinity to Syed was having this effect on me. He nodded once and only when he did, did I let go off him.

"What was it like for you? Up there?" I pulled a face. Was I able to tell him? My conscience was speaking to me quietly. Well, who would have thought? There was a voice I hadn't heard in a while. I told it to shut up so many times, it probably decided to listen to me. Then again, that was only because it kept reminding me that Syed was taken and I hadn't actually wanted to hear it. It was bad enough trying to separate my head and my heart from each other without my conscience kicking in as well.

"I told you my side". Syed raised his eyebrows at me."Ok, fine. It was hard, ok?" "Tell me properly, please". Syed's curiosity was showing through his face. It wasn't too hard for me to cast my mind back. I started at the beginning ...

"Roxy and I made plans to go out for bonfire night but she's cancelled on me at the last minute. I was going to go to the Square but I saw you and Amira together so I changed my mind".

Syed interrupted me. "I'm sorry for not getting back to you", I didn't speak. Was he really? "I was meant to, but I didn't have enough time and was going to phone you the following day". I stared long and hard at him. By looking at his face, I could tell that he wasn't lying to me. I blinked my eyes and continued with my story.

"Anyway, Roxy was waiting on Jack and long story cut short, I offered to babysit". Syed interrupted me again. "I really am sorry". "I know. Look, do you want to hear what really happened or not?" He nodded. "Sorry" I smiled inwardly.

"Amy had been crying. I'd picked her up from the cot. Nothing worked, she didn't stop, so I'd laid her down on the bed and rested her against my chest. Before you knew it, we were both asleep. I woke up when I heard the explosion. Amy was crying as well and I could smell smoke. I'd run out onto the landing and looked down. Flames were already coming out of the cellar. I called out but no one replied, so I knew it was only Amy and me who had to get out"

I paused. Syed's eyes were wide. I could recall the whole incident in my head vividly. I shuddered slightly. Syed noticed. He quickly stood up and came and sat with me on the bed. "Its ok, I'm here for you". I smiled a small smile at him. I don't think he could imagine how good that made me feel.

I'd run back, picked Amy up and ran back out again. But by the time I got to the stairs, the flames were at the bottom. From what I could see, I thought the whole of the downstairs was alight. I'd shut all the doors on my way back. I read somewhere that it stops a fire from spreading. Then I as I'd shut the door in Roxy's room, I knew the only way out was the window. As I approached it, I could see that nearly all the Square was out there. I couldn't even made head or tail of what anyone was saying. I was still in shock then. It was all like a mass of voices coming at me, intelligible. It didn't make sense to me. Amy's cries woke me out of the stupor I was in, but it was her coughs that bought me to my senses. I'd acted on impulse. When I turned around and saw her little pink face wailing, I knew I had to save her. She was relying on me. Someone was actually relying on _me_".

I breathed deeply. I'd gone into a lot more detail than I originally anticipated. I'd spoken about a lot more feelings than I intended. Syed's face was a mask of horror. I breathed again. "Isn't that enough"? He shook his heads. I watched his head move as his wavy hair flapped gently against the side of his face. "Please". That was all he said. "Are you sure"? He nodded his head at me.

"I lifted Amy and had placed her back in the cot, when the smoke started getting to me. I could feel it stinging my eyes but I'd tried to ignore it as I'd pulled the bedcovers and pillows off. The bed sheets came off easily. I remember chucking them out below. I could see Roxy shaking her head at me, She screamed in her typical Roxy way when I explained what my intentions were. 'Its the only way' I think that's what I'd said. It was the quickest way to explain it to her. I'd gone back for Amy but the smoke was overtaking me too. I chucked her out and prayed for the best. Hearing Minty shouting 'I've got her' the relief I felt ... Holding her out of that window was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do Syed. She could've died"

"But she didn't. So stop with all this guilt". My eyes closed briefly as he covered his hand with mine lightly. He left it there for a moment before pulling away. "Then .." Syed trailed off as he waited for me to fill in the gaps. I didn't start talking because this was the part I didn't want to talk about. I closed my eyes as I spoke. My voice was quiet.

"I heard your voice, the clearest, '_No, Christian you have to try'_ I can remember apologizing to you. Funny isn't it. I could have died, but I felt compelled to apologise to you first". I opened my eyes. Syed's eyes were darting around the room before coming to a rest on the door. "I fell from the window ledge. I landed on the duvet covers and had laid there, choking. I knew I wouldn't survive a jump from the window. I couldn't make it back out. So I'd laid there waiting. Deciding what to do next. I could hear shouts from the window but it was no good. Then I heard the firemen. They were calling my name. I'd stood up and ran to the door. It's funny because I've always fancied being rescued by a hunky fireman in the full kit". I smiled to myself. "I was capable of walking but at the top of the stairs my strength went. I can remember waking up on a stretcher and seeing Jane. Then next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital. That's the story".

I rubbed my hands against my face. I fell back onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling. Syed looked down over me. He slid his hand down my arm. "You've been so brave. I mean it. And thank you for telling me all this, really. I'll never forget it" I closed my eyes again. "I'm tired, Syed". It was true. Just telling him all of that, had drained my body. He didn't reply. "If you want to stay till Amira or someone returns, then that's fine"

I heaved myself of the bed and walked over to the kitchen. Neither of us was currently speaking. I told him to go because all of a sudden, this whole thing felt like bad idea. I just wanted to curl up in my duvet and sleep. The water rushed out of the tap and shattered the silence. I switched the tap off. I lifted the glass to my lips and simultaneously, I saw Syed standing next to me. "James?" I froze. Slowly I placed the empty glass back down. I was parched. I rinsed it and put it back into the cupboard.

Syed was leaning against the sideboard with his arms crossed. "Does it matter"? "It matters to me". "Why"? I found myself getting angry at him. "Why does it matter Syed? Why should it matter to you, whose name I say when I come out of a burning building"? He didn't answer but I saw him stiffen. "Admit it, you got jealous when you heard". "No I ever". "Oh come on!" "What?" "You're _still_ jealous". "No I'm not" I waved my arm in the air. My voice raised a decibel. "Who exactly are you trying to kid? Me or yourself"? Syed's bottom lip was jutted out. We faced each other for a moment. He didn't reply. "That's what I thought".

I turned. Syed grabbed my arm. "Why can't you just tell me"? "Why should it concern you"? "Christian"! "Because I hurt him!" I shouted. "Because, I hurt him, ok". My voice was calmer the second time. Syed released his grip. He impatiently brushed a lock of hair away from his quizzical face. "What are you talking about?" I stepped back.

"When I was coming out, and I really thought it was my last moments. I'd thought about the one person who I'd treated badly. Worse, than they actually deserved". Syed nodded slowly. He was going to get there before I said it. "James". He whispered slowly. "Yes. James. I didn't realize I'd actually said his name. But I would have given anything to apologize to him. Explain everything and then tell him to move on with someone he actually deserves". "He deserves you". "No he doesn't" I was shouting now. Syed still didn't get it. "He deserves someone who can give him their full attention. Someone he can love fully and someone who loves him 100% back. And that's not me". "But he's your oldest friend. You love him".

"Yes he is. You know, he cares about me. But it was _James _who decided he was going to stay around, I never asked him too. But he was worried about me and more or less forced it on me. Do you really think that I want James fussing over me? For God's sake Syed, I thought you knew me! Why else do you think I couldn't meet your gaze in the hospital? " I breathed before continuing. "And I do love him as my friend and sometimes a bit more. But we've been close for so many years; the lines between friendship and into a relationship are _bound_ to get blurred occasionally".

Realization was dawning on Syed's face. "I love him, but I'm just not in love with him". He nodded. "I knew – in my heart of hearts, I think I knew but I just couldn't believe it. I thought you'd moved on from me!"."That's got to be the most absurd thing that I've ever heard! How on earth can _I _possibly move on from _you._" I stated it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. We stood facing each other in silence. I could still hear the rain against the window. It was dark outside and the sun had already set.

Syed ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry". I shook my head. "No its fine". "No really I am. I shouldn't have pressured you like that, it was wrong". I smiled. His face was all serious when he was apologizing. I ran my hand down his arm. "I like the jealous Syed, so it's fine". I smiled at him and put my hand up to stop him before he even spoke. "Look, I don't want to fight with you anymore. Coming out of something like that, well it puts things into perspective."

My hand was still on his arm and with every passing second it was becoming more pronounced. Our eyes both travelled to my arm and we looked at each other at the same time.

He stepped closer to me. I stepped back slightly. If I got too close to him, his exotic features would cause my brain to melt and I'd be incapable of rational thoughts. That was the last thing I wanted. "You mean so much to me". My heart soared. I mentally took a picture of this moment. I don't think I could ever forget him saying that to me. Not ever.

"The wedding"? He shook his head as if he was trying to beat away an insect. It would have been funny, given the situation. "Forget that. There is still 2 months. That's ages away". He'd taken another step towards me. My feet seemed stuck to the ground. I couldn't seem to move away from him. I could see every feature perfectly. My heart rate was accelerating. His eyes bored into mine. I recognized the mischievous glint. Syed's intentions were clear. "We'll deal with it then". I couldn't form a coherent response due to the fact that I was lost in him. My mind was in 5th gear as it tried to keep up with itself. If he came any closer ... too late. The last bit of will that I had, crumbled as his soft lips kissed the side of my mouth.

He kissed my face slowly, savouring each kiss. I wrapped my arms around him, tightly pressing his body against mine. I met his eyes again and our lips met halfway, right at the borderline. They pressed together and I coaxed his mouth open with mine. Fireworks shot through my body as our tongues danced together. We were burning up in a spontaneous combustion together. "Oh Syed". I spoke against his mouth. He pulled back, eyes still locked together. "Please, call me Sy". I smiled broadly at him. "You know you still have to thank me for saving you from the rain, from earlier" Syed's face lit with a smile. "I can think of a few ways.." His eyes searched mine as we moved our heads together...

Tomorrow was another day. We'd deal with it properly, together, when the time came. But for now, I was completely oblivious to everything and everyone except this man in front of me ... the man that I was completely in love with...

(To be continued ...)


	5. Chapter 5 Unanswered Questions

**Chapter 5 – Unanswered Questions, Only Time Would Tell ...**

**Syed's POV:**

_The Unit – Monday 23__rd__ November 2009 – 2.31pm_

And so our affair continued. To be fair, neither of us did much to stop it. I'd made a conscious decision that once I got married and became a respectable husband, the affair would stop. I think Christian knows that as well. Everything we done will become distant memories and I will move on with Amira. Christian and I can stay friends. It'll all work out. I know it will. It has to...

Although maybe I should have stopped it a few weeks ago when I had ended up at Christian's after getting caught in the rain. But as Christian took everything that I threw at him, as he'd explained everything I asked him to explain, I realized that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't walk out of that door tonight without getting back with him. Why? Well, when I figure it out, I'll tell you, but all that I knew was nearly losing him ... I couldn't let him slip through my fingers again. And the physical relief that I had felt when I heard that he actually wasn't with James, well ... I couldn't understand it.

"_Syed, hurry up". _I turned to Amira. She was standing by the door impatiently tapping her foot.

"_What"? _

"_We're meant to be going shopping, for Denise and Lucas's wedding"? _

I groaned. "_Amira. I forgot. You'll have to go by yourself. I've got too much work to do here"_

Her face fell. "_Sy-eed_". She drew my name out.

"_But you know that I really wanted to go with you. I wanted to show you the shoes I wanted for Eid as well_".

I felt a slight twinge of guilt. If I hadn't been so preoccupied in reminiscing over what Christian and I had got up to 2 days ago, well I would have been able to concentrate and finish faster. I walked over to the office and went straight to my locker. Amira followed me in

"_So we can go then_"? I pulled out my wallet and shook my head at her hopeful face.

"_No, I'm too busy. I'm sorry_".

I pulled out some notes and handed them to her.

"_For the shoes_". She looked at the money and looked up back at me.

"_Think of it as an early Eid present. I'm rubbish with shoes anyways. Buy yourself the shoes and consider them from me_". Amira clapped her hands.

"_Thank you Syed, you're the best_". She rested her arms around my neck and kissed my lips. As I pulled back, I heard his smooth voice.

"_Don't mind me_". My stomach flipped. He was wearing faded jeans with a white shirt. I could see some of his chest hairs poking out and I tried hard not to stare at him for longer than necessary. I cleared my throat.

"_Not interrupting anything am I"?_ I felt his gaze at me and felt uncomfortable.

"_Nah. Amira was just off shopping_". She smiled at me and spun around.

"_Speaking of which, I'd better get going. I need to get back because I'm closing up for Tanya today_". Amira waved at us before walking out.

Christian turned to me. We listened as Amira's footsteps got further and further into the distance. Eventually we heard the door upstairs close. I felt tension seep out of me simultaneously. I gazed into Christian's eyes.

"_No hi then_" He smiled that beautiful smile, stepped forward and took me into his arms ...

**Christian's POV:**

_The Unit – Monday 23__rd__ November 2009 – 2.31pm_

"_Strawberries or blueberries"? _I smiled to myself, well that was easy.

"_Strawberries. Definitely" _Syed smiled at me. I could read his mind and I knew that he was thinking the same thing as me.

"_Oh yeah, how comes strawberries? That's actually quite insulting to the blueberries" _I laughed out loud.

"_So what is this? Let's all stick up for the blueberries day or something"? _it was Syed's turn to laugh out loud. I put the knife down on the chopping board and stepped towards him.

"_Well, maybe that's because strawberries have their ... uses". _He smiled through his eyes, causing his whole face to illuminate. Syed also stepped towards me.

"_Like what"? _

"_Wouldn't you like to know"? _We were now both facing the same way but we weren't standing together.

"_Strawberries and cream? Or Strawberries with melted chocolate"? _His voice was low and husky. The normally stressed Syed was gone and the relaxed and fun Syed that I loved was standing here.

"_How about a bit of both"? _

"_I'll hold you to that". _We stopped in front of each other. Each of us gazing at the other, smiling. We were together but apart in the same sense. I kissed his lips slowly, while ensuring that my eyes never actually left his. He responded immediately and I slipped my arms around his waist. We pulled apart.

"_You're lucky I still fancy you with that uniform on". _I chuckled making sure that my breath washed over his face. He closed his eyes for a moment as he breathed me in. I loved it when he did that. The serene look on his face in those moments, made my heart physically jump for joy.

"_Oh yeah, whys that"? _I was curious for his answer. Syed tilted his head back slightly and just smiled at me. "_It just doesn't do you justice"_ he answered simply. I could feel my heartbeat speeding up. Was that a notion for what he felt for me? I could only hope so.

"_I agree it really doesn't" _I was joking with him. I didn't want him to think that I took it to heart, even though I did. It would make everything easier. Syed playfully hit my arm.

"_Very funny, so, what? It does me justice"? _I could hear an underlying tone. I smiled to myself. Syed was taking my joking manner as vanity. If I only I could explain to him just how I really felt. I had to be careful, but right now, I was happy with having him this way, rather than no way.

"_Nah.._ _Well then again I always did have a thing for men in uniform"_ The sexual tension fizzed around us as I embraced him deeply. He pulled back reluctantly. "_We shouldn't Christian". _

"_Why not"? _

"_Anyone could walk in"_

"_Well, that's the fun of it. Plus you know what they say, when's the cats away..."_

I trailed off and kissed him again.

_"How about .. all work.. and no.. play..". _I kissed him between every couple of words. Syed groaned.

"_You're testing me". _Syed tensed and I could feel him trying to control himself. I moved the kisses down his neck until I was at the base of his neck. Syed weakened. I kissed him more suggestively. "_Christian!" _ I didn't stop._, Lets go to the office". _I smiled. "_Gets you every time". _I'd half turned when we heard the door slam above us.

"_Syed? Christian" _Oh great! It was Zainab. As she came down the stairs, we pulled apart and scarpered back to our workstations.. I fixed my hat. "_Err, yeah. We're down here". _I saw Syed throwing me a reproachful glance from the corner or my eye before he continued cutting the tomatoes. What horrid timing. If only we hadn't been interrupted ..

"_You took your time replying" _She entered the kitchen holding shopping bags._ "Have you finished"? _

"_Nearly. The Dahl is cooking and I'm nearly done with the salad_". Syed answered his mum. Zainab looked at me.

"_Well you need to hurry up and go set up. I would have helped but I had to get some adjustments made to my shalwar kameez. I can't fit into it anymore". _

Syed and I stared at his mum_ "Um, sorry, what"? _I spoke. What on earth was she talking about?

"_You know, for the wedding? Denise and Lucas's wedding. I swear I'm getting bigger and bigger each day. Why she couldn't decide earlier is beyond me. It really is. Personally, I think she wants me to look fat on her big day" _I laughed quietly. The wedding had slipped my mind but Zainab was quite amazing, she really was.

"_She's your friend, mum, so she wouldn't want you to look fat. Plus, you're pregnant so nobody can really say anything". _Syed tried to reassure her but she wasn't listening. That boy, he really didn't know when he was fighting a lost battle.

"_Oh Syed, just leave it_". Zainab turned to me.

"_Are you bringing anyone to the wedding then? _

My smile vanished and I slowed the cutting of the cucumber. I could feel his eyes boring into me. I felt awkward under the scrutiny of their gazes. I didn't know how to answer it because I hadn't really thought about it. I looked from the corner of my eye at Syed. His shoulders were tensed slightly and I made eye contact for all of a mili-second when I had seen all that I wanted to see. The question had got to him. He'd felt jealousy.

"_Well, you'll just have to wait and see wont you_"?

I continued chopping the cucumber and started humming to myself. Zainab took her cue and walked off to the office shouting about 'overdue paperwork'. I turned to Syed as soon as Zee was out of sight but he didn't look up...

**Syed's POV:**

_The Unit – Monday 23__rd__ November 2009 – 6.01pm_

""_Are you bringing anyone to the wedding then?" _The words had cut straight through me and pierced my heart. As I thought of Christian laughing it up with another guy, I felt a hard pain in my gut which nearly took my breath away. As I'd stared at him for all of a second, the mood from earlier was well and truly gone. Looking into his eyes, I couldn't be sure if he saw this because he looked away too quickly.

"_Well, you'll just have to wait and see wont you_"?

Was that a dig aimed at me? Or for keeping my mum off his back? I was grateful that my mum had gone to the office then. She'd be doing paperwork so wouldn't be out for at least a couple of hours. That was good because I really couldn't face speaking to her.

We'd spent the afternoon just working and chatting casually. We'd asked each other questions and talked away while the food cooked. We'd been speaking about favourite stuff. So one would say two items and the other person would say which one they prefer. I'd mentioned strawberries and blueberries earlier. It was because I'd been thinking about what we'd got up to with strawberries last week ... As our eyes had met and were in their own private conversation, I could tell he knew exactly why. We didn't need words at that moment.

The conversation then changed as I started teasing him. He responded straight away and soon enough the table turned and _I_ was trying not to give in to _him_. It hadn't worked and as I had mentioned going to a more private place, well my mum had turned up.

My cheeks burned as I thought of how different things would be now if she turned up 5 minutes later, and walked into the office...

Christian was humming away and I stole a look at him. His face was relaxed but his face was thoughtful. He was thinking about something. I looked away before he caught me peeking. My mind was in turmoil because I didn't know what to do. I couldn't explain the jealousy that I had felt earlier. What was actually going to happen at the wedding? Questions ran through my mind, one after another. I didn't have any answers, only questions. Time would tell...

Was Christian going to turn up with a date? Would he go off with someone? Would he leave me? Would I leave him? Would anybody catch onto why he didn't have a date? Or did he? ...

(Next chapter is pretty significant and is regarding Denise and Lucas's wedding. Sorry that this chapter and the previous chapter haven't really been much of cliff-hangers and haven't been that exciting. But there is PLENTY of drama and action coming up. So please stay tuned and I hope you enjoyed it and please leave me a review. Thank you x)


	6. Chapter 6 To love? Or not to love?

**Chapter 6 - To love? Or not to love? **

**Christian's POV:**

_Flat 15a of Albert Square, Walford - Thursday 26th November 2009_

I intently watched the man opposite me as he smoothed down his black silk tie. I stared at him approvingly as he dusted his shoulders before slightly adjusting the black suit jacket. We gazed at each other for a few moments. I blinked before turning away from my reflection.

I was all ready to go to Denise and Lucas's wedding. I picked up the red square box which contained a juicer. The sales lady had wrapped it in blue ribbon for me, apparently it was part of their new 'gift' scheme. As I picked my mobile and keys, I turned around and saw a pair of keys stuck between the crevices of the sofa. I picked them up, they defintely weren't mine but I knew whose they were. I sniffed them. They even _smelled _of him.

Syed had come over for a few hours in the afternoon yesterday. We'd finished early at the unit and Amira and Zainab were over at Denise's to help her get ready for her hen night. It was actually quite funny because neither of us had actually spoken about today. Syed thought I had a date, and I neither confirmed or denied it. I'd actually considered, for a split second, getting myself a date. It wasn't hard. But then the image of his face, in my mind, well that had changed it fast enough. I just couldnt hurt him, because I loved him. Love is still a new thing to me. I dont think that I have ever quite loved someone the way I love Syed.

Despite the whole incident of nearly getting caught by Zainab, we'd grown closer still. To be honest, the physical intimacy was a bonus. I chuckled. I never ever thought the day would come when I'd chose someone's mind over their body. I'm not saying the sex isnt great, because it blows my mind everytime but exploring Syed's mind is almost a sexual act within itself. It exhilirating and fascinates me constantly. It didnt matter whether we spoke about trivial things like the weather or philospical issues like death or poverty or even politics. All the words were threads that were sewing us closer and closer. Which meant that it would be harder to break when the time came. I pushed the thought out of my mind.

I'd noticed little things about Syed like when he's stuck on a word or phrase, he starts gesturing with his hands to help him. Or when he ... I breathed deeply. No point going off in our little world, because today was defintely going to be a reality check. The wedding, reception, church, everything. Each one of these venues would be oppurtunities for Syed and Amira's upcoming wedding to get rubbed in my face. I knew that Amira would be all over him, not that I blamed her 'cos I'd be the same if I could. They'd be playing the loved up, blissfully in love couple but unless Syed came out, literally, there was no way of me changing that.

Taking yet another breath, I placed the keys in my pocked and walked out the front door ...

**Syed's POV:**

_Masood household, front room - Thursday 26th November 2009_

The sun was shining and the almost cloudless sky was unnatural for a November day. Hopefully this was an omen for how the day was going to go.

"Ta-da" Amira walked into the rom and spinned around.

_"Wow. You look amazing". _

She really did. Amira was wearing a jade green dress with baby blue detail stitched around the edge. She'd straightened her hair instead of keeping it wavy and her green heels matched her handbag.

_"Aw, thanks. And you my fiancee are looking handsome if I say so myself". _

She walked over to me, her shoes echoing around the room. As she kissed my lips, I felt the usual guilt settling in the pit of my stomach. At this moment I was feeling guilty because I'd gone over to Christian's flat yesterday. We'd spent hours just talking. About everything. About nothing. It had been so tempting to ask him whether or not he was taking a date today, but I'd never found the courage to ask him. To be honest, I was scared of his answer but then again, things are complicated enough.

_"Ready to go"? _

I nodded once, allowed Amira to link her arm through mine and walked out the door, wondering what the wedding would bring ....

**Christian's POV:**

_"Is everything ok, Chrisitan"? _

The concerned voice belonged to Minty. I'd noticed that Amanda, Charlie, Ian and Jane were now staring at me stranegly. Oh great. I really didnt need an audience.

_"Yeah everything's great. Why wouldnt it be?"_

_"Oh, I just thought you looked a bit down"_

_"Don't be silly. Denise and Lucas just got married. I'm having a sentimental moment"._

Minty nodded but didn't reply. Maybe he didnt know whether or not I was being serious. Oh well, I was hardly in the mood to speak about it. The day had gone _exactly_ as I'd predicted and it wasnt even over yet. I really couldn't face the reception. Masood had made Jane, Ian and I promise that we'd spend time with them later at the Vic. Apparently, we should 'get to know each other on personal level, and not only business level'. Ha! If only they knew ...

_"Oh look they're coming out"._

_"I'm gonna go over. You gonna join me?"_

_"Yeah. Let's go"_

I watched as Manda and Jane walked off towards the front of the courtyard, where Denise and Lucas were appearing. As Charlie's, Minty and Ian's attention was diverted, I slipped off the back and came out further along where I could watch everyone alone.

A huge cheer erupted as Denise and Lucas stood underneath the archway. They were smiling, laughing and joking with each other. As I watched Denise's white dress shimmer in the sunlight, confetti rained over them both.

I shifted my eyes over to the mop of curly black hair, and from the corner of my eyes, I studied his profile. Almost as if he's sensed me watching him, he spoke. His voice was loud, clear, confident and had traces of humour.

_"Oi, save all that for later"_

I looked and realized what he'd meant. Lucas broke away from Denise's lips and shouted something at Syed. By God, did I hear it. I felt like I'd been slapped straight across the face. Friends, family and neghbours cheered around me, laughing and nudging each other, oblivious to my hurt.

_"Wait till its you and Amira in a few weeks time. We'll see if you manage to keep your hands off her then". _

Amira was still blushing when she caught my eye. I gave her a broad grin and winked at her. I didnt know what else to do. This only caused her further embarassment and she looked away getting steadily pinker. That was probably the fakest reponse I'd ever given her.

Syed glanced at me and I caught his eye immediately. I turned on the spot and walked over to the far corner where nobody was standing. When I'd turned around, Syed was dodging the party poppers that were being let off. He stood next to me and faced everyone else. Most likely, we looked like two normal friends, well that was right, it just wasnt the whole truth.

_"Do you have to rub it in my face, at every given oppurtunity"?_

I was trembling to keep my voice steady and my voice was only low enough for him to hear.

_"I'm sorry"._

I scoffed loudly.

_"Sorry? Ha! If you really were then..."_

He interrupted me.

_"I am. It slipped out before I realized and how was I to know that Lucas would say that?"_

I kept my eyes rigidly ahead but I could feel his eyes boring into my face, as if he was searching for something. I didn't look at him but the scene of Denise and Lucas posing for photo's wavered infront of my eyes.

_"Either way, that's dangerous waters, so why would you even bother saying something like that."?_

_"Look, it was just a joke"._

I couldn't even answer that. It would be an insult. Syed spoke.

_"What do you actually want"? _

_"I want you..." _

I paused before glancing at his widened eyes. They scanned our surrounding areas to see that we didnt have any eavesdroppers.

_"..to be honest". _

I finished my sentence.

_"Honest"?_

_"Yes, honest, Syed."_

_"What do you mean"?_

_"Listen, are you actually being honest with yourself"_

_"I'm going to throw them" _

Our eyes flickered over to Denise who was poised to throw the flowers. Just about every female was pushing themselves into the 'best' position to catch the flowers. I wonder whose going to catch them. Personally my money was on Janine. My mind wandered briefly. I turned my attention back to my lover. I hadn't immediately realized that he had spoken.

_"Yes I am"_

_"No you're not"_

_"Christian, what are you even talking about"?_

I turned to face him. His tanned skin was glowing in the sunlight and he looked heart stoppingly gorgeous. His brown eyes had connected to mine instantly. I shook my head fiercly and grabbed his arm.

_"You already know"_

_"No I don't"_

_"Yes you do" _

We were going in circles. He pulled his arm out of my grasp.

The countdown from 3, for the flowers started.

_"Stop with these stupid riddles and just tell me"._

My voice was drowned out by shrieks of _"I got it, I got them"_ in the distance. He blinked stupidly for a moment and his mouth opened. I stepped back. I didnt mean to say that. It slipped out.

His beautiful face contorted into disgust before his words were like a physical blow to me.

**Syed's POV:**

He didnt just say that. He didn't. I dont know who was more shocked, me or him. Nothing came out of my mouth and it took me a few moments to realize that my mouth was hanging open. He stood straight. As he backed away from me, I could see Amira walking over simultaneously.

_"Yeah, its the stupidest thing I've heard in a long while and that's saying something". _

I closed my mouth quickly before she arrived. I tried to clear my head so that I could focus on her but in all honesty, my mind was reeling. To be honest, I didnt even know where my response had come from? Was that what I had really said?

Her face was luminated and she was clutching a slightly battered bunch of lilies against her.

_"Look, Syed, i caught them. This is such a good sign. It proves that we're meant to be together. I knew it, I just knew it. I love you"._

Her tumbled words were processing through my brain as she flung her arms around me. Her sentences slowly clicked together. Oh. She'd caught the flowers. As I congratulated her, I knew that fate was playing a cruel twist on me. An ironic one at that. Her exubarance meant that I only had to nod and speak at the right places.

My eyes scanned around me, but already most people were leaving for the reception. Had he gone ahead? Somewhere deep inside me I knew that he wasn't going to be there. We joined my family in the cab back. Before I knew it, I was being whisked into the Vic which had now been transformed for the reception.

My mind raced ahead and as my brain and body started to work alongside each other, I made some plans in my head. I needed time to think. And there was no time like the present.

I pulled my parents and Amira to the side.

_"What's wrong"? _

My mum, the one woman who I loved more than anything had already seen straight through me. Oh well. I guess that was a good thing considering what I was about to tell her.

_"I need to leave. Now"_

Their faces were exactly as I'd expected them. Shocked and confused.

_"What? Why"? "What's happened"? "Why do you need to leave"? _

I put my hand up to stop them.

_"Do you remember my friend Chris"? _

My dad spoke first.

_"No ..."_ He paused. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion. _"Oh wait the one who went travelling..."_

My mum interrupted him as soon as she cottoned on.

_" ... So you had to miss the first fast. Yes, I remember him"._

_"What about him"? _

I looked at Amira then back to my mum. Her face was dissaproving and I could tell that none of them knew where I was actually going with this. The web of lies I'd recently spun ... well what was another white lie?

_"He just phoned me. His mum's died and I'm going up to stay with him for a few days". _

_"Oh, that's really bad". _

Amira's sensitive side came out immediately, I knew she hated hearing about death, especially with people's parents. I knew it was due to her own relationship with her mum.

_"Why do you have to stay with him"? _

My mum's tone was sharp. I looked over at my dad. His hand was cupping his face and his head was tilted. I could tell he was thinking about it.

_"He lives all the way in Leeds. I want to pay my respects and I hardly wanna miss the funeral"_

Nobody spoke so I kept on speaking.

_"Also, when I got kicked out .."_

I lowered my eyes from my mum's. I felt really bad bringing this up but this was my trump card so I continued.

_".. Chris's mum let me stay for a couple of months until I'd got myself sorted"._

It worked. Within a couple of minutes, my parents had agreed that it was best that I did stay and pay my final respects. There was a hiccup when my mum had asked why I couldnt just go on the funeral day, but I told her that Chris needed my help to organise everything as he didnt know where his dad was. I knew I'd have to write this down somewhere as I really couldnt remember who I had and hadn't killed off.

My mum and Amira caved in, although they did so reluctantly. I felt relieved. I quickly informed them that the funeral was at the end of the week. This way I'd bought myself maximum time without them getting suspicious. As I said goodbye to my parents and Amira, I reassured them that I'd be back within the next 10 days, before scarpering home. I packed some clothes, toothbrush and some other stuff to take with me.

I was going to stay with Nadeem. He was a good friend of mine and I knew him from university. He was in fact one of my one-night stands. My first one actually. But we'd both put it behind us and had moved on, both agreeing it was in fact a mistake. He wasnt the prying type of guy and he lived near the coastline. The fresh air, hills and forests would be the perfect place for me to explore and get my head together.

As I shut the front door behind me, I began the walk towards Walford Station ...

**Christian's POV:**

_"I just wanted to tell you, that I'm leaving". _

My stomach plummeted and I rested against the doorframe as I tried to gather my thoughts.

_"Syed, where the hell are you going"?_

_"Away"._

_"How long"?_

_"Long enough"_

He looked away defiantly refusing to meet my eyes.

_"Well I've told you so Goodbye". _

He turned away stiffly. I saw a small brown pull along suitcase on the floor slightly hidden out of view.

I scoffed out loud. I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

_"Like hell you are Syed". _

I pulled him inside the flat, taking him by complete shock and slammed the door shut.

_"What? You can't do that"? _Syed's volume levels was high and I responded just as loud.

_"Really, well I think I just did"._

_"You can't order me around. I dont belong to you Christian"._

_"Really? Well you should have thought about that before you.."_

I stopped myself just in time. I didnt need another slip of the toungue.

_"Before I what"?_

i didn't answer.

_"Go on tell me what I did wrong this time. After all, I never manage to do anything right do I"?_

His tone hurt me. I could tell that he was angry but I didn't want to provoke him so I dropped my gaze.

_"Forget it"_

_"No tell me"_

His voice was challenging and was steadily rising again. Then again, maybe he should hear it again. He'd already hurt me.

_"So tell me. What should I've thought of, before I did what"?_

_"SYED! Stop it!" _

_"Tell me"_

_"BEFORE YOU LET ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU"!_

Mentally I kicked myself. I wasnt the type of person to show my vulnerability. It made me feel .. alone. But it was a stupid idea saying it again.

I faced him directly, breathing heavily. He didn't speak but his eyes were scanning my face.. He refused to meet my eyes. i hated it when he did that. I felt like I couldnt read him.

_"I'm going to miss my train. I need to go"._

Syed's voice was short and he turned his back onto me.

I didnt know what to do. This was unknown terrority for both of us. Should I discuss it with him? Or should I let him think about it? My mind buzzed.

_"Look, I'm sorry. Please stay". _

He shook his head at me, never turning around.

_"Please". _

I extended my arm but didn't quite reach him. With his back firmly on me, my hand grasped emptiness. Slowly, I pulled my arm back.

_"I mean it Sy, I lov..."_

_"Dont!" _

Syed's voice was slightly hysterical.

He walked towards the door and without looking back, walked out. The door slammed shut. Seconds passed.

I couldn't run after him without arousing suspicion so I ran to the window and looked out. He never once looked up at me as he dragged his suitcase behind him....

Slowly, I made my way over to the bed. Emotion washed over and I curled up into a ball, and I allowed the tears to flow steadily ....


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 - Emotions**

**Syed's POV:**

_Syed's bedroom - Friday 4th November_

I started at my ceiling. So much had happened in the last 2 weeks since I'd left. My dad had been in a car crash and was in hospital. He was kept in for a day for observation but the guilt never left me and ate away at me.

He had been working every possible shift so that he could financially afford the wedding and all that I had done was gone skiving off to Nottingham. The day I'd received my text, I'd made a decision. I was going to marry Amira. I don't know what really persuaded me but I think it was seeing Nadeem, his wife and their 3 year old son. I'd been watching them from afar while they sat indoors playing around his pen. They looked so perfectly happy, I just couldn't describe it. I wanted to be that man. I wanted to be with that beautiful son and wife. That could be me. No one had to know about Christian, just like no one had known about Nadeem and me.

Nadeem had looked up and caught my eye. It must have been obvious what I was thinking; my face gave the game away. He understood why I was there. He was blissfully happy in his relationship, and I was certain that I could make my one work. _"Stay true to yourself!" _were his parting words and they rang in my head.

Returning on the train 2 days ago, after that fateful text from Tambo ... Words couldn't describe my emotions. Fear, guilt, more fear, more guilt. My parents had done so much to me, and how was I paying them back? By sleeping with another man. Amira didn't deserve it either. She is an amazing girl, and I know that if I could just stay away from Christian long enough to think clearly, then I can love her the way she deserves to be loved. I know I can.

Fortunately, m dad was out of hospital with just a few scratches. I'd taken up more shifts at the Unit and am trying to earn as much as I can. I don't want my dad to carry the financial burden of the wedding. It's my responsibility.

**Christian's POV:**

_Lava Nightclub - Saturday 6th December- 1.02am_

I sat down on the cushy seat.

_"What a night"_. I knocked back my beer.

The guy nodded and smiled at me.

I placed the bottle on the table and looked at him intently. He had a fair complexion which suited his good-looking face, always wore a suit, had short blond hair and stubble around his face. This wasn't the first time that I'd seen him either. Lava nightclub was the hottest ticket in town and was well known within the gay community. I'd been here nearly every night for the last week and I noticed that this guy always sat in the corner yet never danced.

_"So dancing not your scene then"?_

He shook his head.

_"Nope. I like to relax". _His deep voice threw me off edge slightly. I didn't know what I had been expecting. Maybe something softer?

_"Can I persuade you"?_

He laughed out loud.

_"You can try, but __don't count on it". _

I chuckled to myself.

_"Not many people reject me you know"._

_"I'm not looking for a relationship"_

_"Neither am I"_

I held his gaze. His eyes were a blue color. Not a cornflower blue, but more towards a dark blue.

_"Can I buy you a drink"?_

I motioned towards his empty glass.

He looked at me for a few more seconds.

_"Doesn't mean anything though.__"_

_"That's fine"_

_"In that case, firstly, I'm Ashley and secondly, a large Vodka please"._

I grabbed his glass and stood up.

_"I'm Christian"_

As I ambled over to the bar, I mused over Ashley. There was something about him. He was uncomplicated and straight-forward unlike.... Shaking my head, I pulled my mind back into the club. He'd made himself perfectly clear, and I had no intentions of doing anymore crying over him. I was enjoying myself. I smiled to myself as I thought of the week so far. I'd already gone off with Harry in the toilets, Duane at the flat and some unknown stranger in the room upstairs.

I was curious about Ashley and was planning on bedding him tonight. Who knows? He could surprise me. This guy was the first guy in the club who probably hadn't already thrown themselves at me. I looked forward to what the night would bring. Smiling to myself, I returned with the vodka's and placed them down in front of us both.

**Syed's POV:**

_Walford General Hospital- Friday 11th December_

Come on, come on, come on ... I muttered to myself as the signs scanned over me. I ran towards the maternity ward reception desk and I could hear Tamwar's and Amira's footsteps echoing mine.

_"Zainab Masood. She came in a little while ago. Early __labor" _

The receptionist looked up.

_"Sure, give me a second"._

I tapped my fingers impatiently on the wooden desk as she looked at her computer screen.

_"Just through those double doors. You need to wait in the holding area"._

_"Thanks"_ was all I could say as I shot off in the direction she had pointed. I didn't hang around for the other 2.

I could hear screams from some of the rooms. I gulped. Ok, wow, maybe it was going to be harder than I thought.

_"It's ok". _Amira stood in front of me. I stared at her face and tried to muster a smile. She twisted her plait in her hands. _"We might as well sit down. You look like you're going to faint". _

I was suddenly feeling light headed and gratefully sat down.

_"I hope not"._

_"Me too. Otherwise how will you be when I'm in there"?_

As she sat smiling, I didn't know how to respond. _"Good question". _

So Amira was planning on babies soon by the sounds of things. I guess being with my mum had made her maternal instincts kick in. I didn't know how this made me feel. The image of Nadeem and his family flashed through my mind. That could be me, I repeated to myself. I smiled and kissed Amira on the lips briefly.

I thought back to an hour ago. My dad had rang me frantically informing me that my mum's waters had broken and she was in labor. I'd been out shopping and told him to wait for me. Apparently, judging by the noise my mum had made, the baby wasn't planning on waiting. I'd left the trolley in the supermarket, collected Amira and Tambo, picked up the video camcorder and rushed to the hospital...

2 and a half later, my dad rapidly walked out of the room on the far end. _"Syed, Tamwar, Amira." _

We ran over to my dad. Had we already been blessed with a younger brother or a younger sister?

Amira spoke before we even arrived by the door. _"What is it? A boy or a girl"? _

_"A girl. Boys, you have a younger sister"_

Was I hearing things? Laughing, I looked at Amira, her face jubilant. Tamwar was grinning. I high fived him and hugged Amira tightly.

_"A girl? We have a little sister, Tam. An actual sister"_

I stopped and hugged my brother before going over to the door.

_"I know, she's actually here. Can you believe it"?_

_"Congratulations! When can we see her"?_

_"Dad!"_ I hugged him tightly._ "Congratulations"_

He pulled back. His face wasn't exuberant as I'd expected. His eyes were wild with fear and my hand felt limply next to him.

_"Dad? Is everything ok"?_ Tamwar's voice was barely a whisper.

_"They just ...need to take your ... sister ... for some ...tests"._

He paused between the words. Fear caused my heart to skip a beat. Dread was running through me.

_"What's __happened? Why does she need to go for tests"? _

Words tumbled out of my mouth.

My dad breathed deeply.

_"She wasn't crying when your mum delivered her. She's having breathing problems"._

_"Mr. Masood"?_

Our eyes flew over to the nurse who came out behind my dad. Fear was tugging at my heart.

_"Can you come in for a few minutes please"?_

My dad nodded gravely.

_"I'll be back as soon as I know what's happening"._

Before my dad turned I hugged him unexpectedly.

_"She'll be fine. She's a Masood"._ I whispered into his ear.

_"I know"_

I pulled back and turned to Amira and Tamwar.

_"We might as well sit down"_

_"I'm fine standing"_

_"Are you sure"?_

_"Yes!"_ It came out louder than expected. Amira's face reflected hurt.

_"I'm sorry"._

_"It's fine". _

I felt bad. I hadn't meant to hurt her.

I paced the floor for what felt like an eternity but was in fact only 11 minutes.

The door creaked open and I turned the spot instantly.

_"Dad"? _

_"I need to talk to you all"_

My mind was numb as we walked into a private room with the nurse.

She was an older woman with graying hair. She blue dress was neat and she had a stethoscope around her neck. I focused on it, just for something to do with my eyes.

_"I'm really sorry but your baby sister is on a life support machine". _

The words turned my blood cold.

_"__What's .. wrong with her"?_

_"The easiest way to explain it is that in the final stages of the __labor, her blood levels dropped which is dangerous for any fit adult, let alone a premature baby. She was starved of oxygen and now is permanently brain damaged. I'm so sorry, but she won't survive the next 24 hours". _

I felt a hollow sound in my ear as I tried to accept this. My little sister was going to die. Closing my eyes I began praying to Allah. She had to survive. I felt a hand on my shoulder and my eyes flew open. It was my dad. I nodded at him as I acknowledged that I understood him. They were going in to see my sister. He paused only to retrieve the video recorder before following the nurse out. He stopped suddenly.

_"I'll phone Shabnam". _I nodded in a daze.

My heart was beating erratically. Tears came to my eyes but I didn't allow them to fall. She was still alive and fighting and that was the most important thing. I wanted to see her. The desire nearly overwhelmed me as I gripped the sides of the chair.

25 minutes later, I steadied myself as I entered Room 20. It was time my sister met her eldest brother.

*******************

My father was videoing Amira holding her when I had entered the room. The tension was thick. I looked over to Amira and saw that my sister was in her arms. She held her arms out to me and taking a deep breath I walked over to her

I tentively held my arms out as Amira gave me an encouraging smile. I looked down at my sister and ... my heart sung. There was no other way to describe my emotions.

Her black hair flopped around her face. Her eyes were dark brown, so I was told by my mum. She had thick eyelashes and her round cheeks shone out to me. Her lips were pressed together. She looked no bigger than a doll but looked a combination of my mum and dad.

"_She looks like you Syed". _My dad had spoken.

"_No. She looks more like you both". _

_"Hello Sareena"_ I whispered quietly._ "I'm Syed. Do you have any idea how long we've waited for you, you beautiful baby"._

_"Sareena"?_ I looked up at the sound of my mum's voice.

_"Sorry. It just kind of slipped out"._

I paused. My mum had tears in her eyes and shook her head vigorously. She looked at my dad. They were nodding at each other.

_"It suits her. Is everyone happy with the name Sareena"?_

As a wave of approval went around, I looked down at her.

_"Welcome to the family Sareena Masood. See Sareena, I get to name you. That's how special you are. You're going to get spoilt rotten". _

Amira laughed weakly while I stroked Sareena's cheek. it was so soft, and tender. Sareena was beautiful. My little sister is perfect.

****************

My mum was screaming. It was all I could hear.

_"What's happening. Can someone just tell us"?_

_"I'm going to get another nurse"._ Tamwar ran out.

Amira was gripping my arm tightly. Tamwar ran back in followed by another nurse and doctor.

_"You all need to get back". _

_"No its my sister. You need to save her"._

I tried to push against the doctor but he stood firm.

_"I can't save her, with everyone in here"._

His words struck true and I stopped. When he was sure I wasn't going to run in, he turned his attention to my sister.

We stood looking through the glass window. I couldn't hear what was being said. My parents stricken faces were all I could see.

We waited for a few minutes. I tried to lip read but I wasn't getting far. My parents turned their heads so suddenly, together, for a split second I thought that they had planned it. As my eyes rested on what they were looking at, my mind spun. The heart monitor was showing a flat line. No! No, that was for someone else. It wasn't for Sareena.

The nurses stood straight and their faces told me everything. Tamwar pushed opened the door and the nurse's words floated out and smacked me in the face.

_"Time of death, 9.57pm"._

I looked around me.

_"No! __It's not true, they're lying"_

Tamwar was waving his hands in the nurses faces. My dad was holding my mum as she cried into him. Tears were splashing down his face, thick and fast. I could hear Amira crying next to me and I watched my brother as he carried on shouting. I couldn't hear him for the whooshing sound that was around me.

I didn't realize that I had moved. As I looked down on my sister, I could feel something tugging at my heart.

_"My condolences, __Mr. and Mrs. Masood. We'll leave you alone for a few minutes with her body"_

As they left the room, I looked around at my family. My dad had my mum. Amira was now trying to comfort my brother. Who was with me? I looked around half-expecting to see someone when my eyes fell on my younger sister. Without thinking, I went to pick her up.

_"No!" _

I looked at my dad. I could feel the confusion on my face. I only wanted to hold her one last time.

_"It's fine". _

My mum placed her hand on his shoulder while the never-ending tears continued down her face. My hands were shaking and when they touched her icy skin, I flinched. I lifted her out and gently bought her next to my chest.

Sareena was at peace. Her face was relaxed and I was sure that I could see her smiling. I gently moved a piece of hair from her face, breathed her unique smell in, which I knew that I would never ever forget, as long as I lived.

_"I love you"_ I spoke softly into her ear._ "Your big sister Shabnam couldn't see you, but I know that she would love you as well_". I stopped as realization was sinking in._ "You're with Allah's angels now. I'll never forget you". _

I kissed her gently on the forehead, took one final look at the angel in my arms before passing her to my parents.

I walked in a trance out of the room. I sped up once I was out of the hospital and before I knew it, I was running.

Where to? I didn't know. I had to get away from there. As the wind rushed around me, I couldn't feel the cold. My mind was replaying those precious moments I had spent with my baby sister.

Natural instinct bought me here. I found myself pounding on the door. The door clicked and I opened it. I ran up the stairs 2 at a time before ringing the doorbell. I kept my finger on it. The door flew open.

_"Do you mind"? _

I pushed my way past him and strode into the room.

_"I'm sorry Christian. I didn't know what else to do"._ My voice was flat, lifeless.

I looked at him properly. He was staring at me.

_"What's happened"?_

_"It's ... "_ I stopped short. A blond man walked up behind Christian closing the bathroom door behind him. He smiled as he looked between us.

_"Oh. I'm - sor - sorry. I didn't realize you were busy". _

Christian shook his head. I scanned my eyes around the room. There were 2 wine glasses on the table. The stereo was on as well. Over by the bed, there was a black thick jacket lying neatly there.

_"I'm - I'm sorry. I'll go". _

I turned and Christian grabbed my arm.

_"It's fine. Please stay"._

_"I wouldn't have come if I known you were busy. Forgive me for intruding"._ I turned my attention to the older man who hadn't spoken. His voice was deep.

_"It's fine. I'm Ashley"._

I shook his hand and looked away from them. I was intruding on something.

_"Syed". _

As soon as his hand left mine, my courage failed me. I turned and fled the flat before either of them could call me back.

*******

I lay looking at the ceiling like the previous night. My body was lying emotionless. I couldn't bring myself to cry. My mind was flipping over the day events. My beautiful baby sister. She was gone. She was never coming back, ever. Christian had moved on. I'd stayed away, and by visiting him and letting my guard down, I'd only caused myself more pain.

As the night wore on, I waited to feel something.

And I did. But only when my mind accepted something. That this was also my fault. God hadn't finished paying me back for my affair with Christian. My dad's accident wasn't enough. Oh no! My gorgeous sister's life had been taken. It was because of my own selfish reasons. I had Sareena's blood on my hands.

I felt a hurt so deep and so powerful that when it took control of my body, I cried out aloud in pain. I couldn't breathe as her face hovered over mine. The hurt crashed over me in waves, drowning me. It was a physical and mental pain that was possessed in my whole body. Yet the tears never fell and as the final wave crashed over me, I realized I couldn't swim any longer and fell into dark and troubled sleep where I was alone.

My hands were full of blood and every time I reached towards the person next to me, the blood dripped over the body. I woke up screaming when I saw the person. It was Sareena's dead body.


	8. Chapter 8 The Pretence

**Chapter 8 - The pretence**

**Christian's POV:**

_Masood Household - Monday 7th December- 4pm_

My eyes never left the Masood family. They were all wearing black clothing and each of them lost in their own world. The sadness was almost unbearable. Zainab had given birth but the baby died just a few hours later. Sareena was her name, apparently. It was a beautiful name and you could see that she would have grown up to be a right stunner judging by the only photo taken of her.

Everytime I thought of Syed coming over a few nights ago, I mentally kicked myself for not running after him. He's pounded on the door and I'd let him in. Ashely had been around and had come out of the bathroom when Syed turned up. He fled before I even had a chance to move. Ashely had suggested leaving him alone for a while. After all, he knew where I was and I didn't know where he had gone to.

I watched Shabnam. She was a pretty young girl and her head was covered with a scarf. She was reading from the Quran in the corner, crying. Syed comforted her before he moved around to everyone. Zainab had specifically said no alcohol, and for people only to come if they would come modestly dressed. They were fair rules and everyone was happy to oblige. As murmurs of condolences could be heard, I felt out of my depth. For the first time in my life I didn't know what to do.

**Syed's POV:**

_Masood Household - Monday 7th December- 4pm_

I wandered around, my mind not quite connected with my body. We'd buried Sareena this morning. I was the only one in my family who didn't cry again. I was worried. I'd just stared at her grave, my mind in turmoil, wondering how on earth I'd ended up here. Most of the Square had turned up and for that I was grateful. Shabnam had got the first flight over. She'd just cried when we picked her up from London Gatwick. As I hugged her, I could remember her saying how she wished we were meeting in different circumstances. I'd agreed whole-heartedly with her as I hugged her tightly.

She was leaving in a week's time. She was in her final year at university and had to get back for her exams. I needed my sister but I knew she had to get back. Tamwar had stayed out of the house. He was rarely in and whenever he was, he refused to leave his bedroom. My mum stayed in her room too while my dad carried on working. Sometimes I'd walk in and find him crying. I kept on working, doing the housework and continued with the planning of the wedding. Whatever happened, it was still going ahead. Whatever way, I was getting married on the 1st January 2010.

**Christian's POV:**

_The Unit at MQ - Thursday 10th December- 7pm_

_"Ok, right I'm off now"_

No reply. I looked at my watch. It was 7pm and Syed should be dressed to go. Instead he was still in his uniform, peeling potatoes.

_"Are you actually planning on going home tonight"?_

I watched him as he started placing the naked potatoes into the boiling water.

_"Syed"! _I called him again. His lack of replies was starting to infuriate me.

_"I'm making a headstart on tomorrow's sample menu". _

_"You've been here since 7am and its now 7pm. Maybe you should go home"._

_"I'm fine"._

_"You've been working for 12 hours. You need to rest"._

_"Fine!"_ I watched as he switched the cooker off and stormed past me. _"You can lock up"_. He slammed his apron into my hands, before slamming the office door shut.

I shook my head. Unbelievable. I was looking out for him. He's taken on a full load of shifts this week. i didn't want to upset him, because I knew that it was his way of dealing with his grief. Is 'upset' the right word? I didn't want him to think I was taking over more than anything. I couldn't understand him. I picked the pan up and drained the water out from the potatoes. I had to leave soon, because I was meeting Ashley for a movie...

**Syed's POV:**

_Masood household, living room- Thursday 10th December- 1am_

I looked down at the list for the umpteenth time:

Food - MQ catering  
Venue - Walford's Mosque  
Imam - confirmed to come  
Decorations - Mum's job  
Transport - Carriage and horses. Need to confirm  
Invitations - Collect from printing shop on 12th  
Mehndi and Dhol night - Organise, who is organising them.

Had I missed anything? I flicked the pen between my fingers as I thought of what else I was missing. Mum and I had thrown ourselves into the wedding. It was the only thing getting her through. We'd just been doing anything and everything, just in the hope it would keep us occupied. If the wedding was going to be serious, then I needed to get organised. I looked at blue checkered shirt. Of course! Clothes! I added them to my list. Amira had seen the Lengha she wanted from Dhamini's in Green Street.

My shalwarni was being made from a shop near Ealing. I had to continually go back for alterations and fittings. I also had a few suits due to the different nights that we were having. We'd agreed on a Mehndi night, dhol night, 2 nights for Amira and her friends and then the night before we were both having 'stag and hen' nights with our friends (minus the alcohol and strippers). The short time span and recent events meant that we couldn't organise anything more. To be honest, I didnt think we could afford more lavish nights. Plus with the honeymoon as well .... honeymoon! I had to add that to my list .. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to go still. I crossed it off. With Sareena and everything it didn't seem right. We'd go next year as our first anniversary gift.. possibly

As the night wore on, I made up more and more lists of everything. I'd been up since 7am and it was now precisely 3.34am according to my watch. My body ached and I craved sleep. My constantly occupied mind meant that I had little chance to think of anything else.

The fear of the nightmares kept me awake. It was the third night in a row I'd been seeing my dead sister's body. Last night had been Tamwar's and I was scared of whom I might see tonight. I walked over to the chair, switching the bright light on as I passed past, pulled the hard chair infront of the window and sat there, forcing myself awake everytime I drifted off until I saw the break of dawn across the Square.

**EXACTLY 6 WEEKS LATER:**

**Syed's POV:**

_The Unit - 2.31pm_

I chopped the tomatoes ryhtimatically. Mentally, I was trying to work out how to fit in another shift. I'd worked all week so I was expecting quite a bit. If I kept it up then at this rate, Amira and I would be moving out in no time at all, with enough deposit for a flat. This thought didn't fill me with any kind of emotion or happiness.

_"Hey babe". _

I half-turned my head as Amira slipped her arms around my waist. I smiled.

_"Hey, what you doing here"?_

_"I just thought I'd surprise my husband. I am allowed to do that aren't I"? _

_"Yeah course you can. Just a bit unexpected though"._

Amira placed her hands on mine, released the knife and turned me to face her. Her face was lit up and she was smiling. Her hair was plaited. Her white skinny jeans, and blue top suited her delicate frame. She kissed my lips. I automatically responded. I allowed my mind to go blank.

_"I'm thinking, how about you and me, go back home. Everyone's out, we have the place to ourselves, no interruptions ..."_ She trailed off suggestively.

_"I'm working, Amira"_

She pouted. _"Syed, you're always working, and have been since the wedding. It's not fair, we never have any alone time anymore"_

That was a very valid point. I'd always managed excuses as frequently as possible. _'You chose her Syed, now stay with it_'. I heard _his_ voice in my head. The shock of it nearly caused my legs to buckle. I held fast and breathed in deeply.

_"You know why I'm working, for us. For our future". _

_"At this rate, I'll be lucky to see you before 2011"._

Angrily, Amira pulled her arms away from my waist and turned on the spot. _He_ was right. I grabbed her arm before they left my reach.

_"__You're right. We havent spent any time together. Let me finish up and I'll meet you at the house in an hour"._

_"Are you sure"?_

I nodded. I didn't trust myself to speak. She grinned.

_"Ok, I better .. umm .. slip into something more comfy as they say". _She winked mischievously before walking away.

As she left the unit, I thought back to the wedding. It had whizzed past so fast, that I was married before I knew it. Then again, it had come so slowly, I often didn't think it was happening! I'd avoided Christian at all costs. I made my heart hard, icy, cold. It was easier that way to force myself onwards. I slowly started erasing his memories away.

On my Mehndi and Dhol nights, I'd felt like a stranger looking from the outside in. The colour, laughter, joy around me caused my head to spin. I couldn't believe that the wedding was actually going to go ahead.

The evening before the wedding was one of the worst. I had laid in bed all night, awake. I knew that he would be awake too. I had nearly succumbed to the temptation that was pushing me towards him, but I refused to give in. That was what I had chosen. Amira. My parents proud faces in the morning was worth it. It was the first time I'd actually seen them smile since the funeral. I pushed that outside my mind too. Guilt was what had caused me to soldier on through the day. I refused to look at Christian yet I often knew when he was watching me. As I signed the marriage papers, the feeling of me signing my life away was imminent and forever present. But I knew that as of that day, there was no going back to my old life, the old Syed. I was now a respectable married man, and I had responsbilities to live up to.

As I shook hands with my uncle's and listened to the praise from my many aunties, grandma's and elders in the family, I knew that I had made the right decision. This was what was expected of me and I'd done it. Providing for my family and actually procreating with Amira was the other. We'd agreed to wait for at least another 2/3 years before settling down with kids. Amira was adamant that she wanted to enjoy married life before the children came along. I knew that it was truly for selfish reasons, she cared about her figure way too much.

The only time I allowed myself to willingly think about _him_ was whenever I was physical with Amira. I'd imagined_ his face, his body, his touch _... I stopped my mind from going into detail. Those thoughts were the only thing that had got me through the wedding night, following day, following night and every other session that followed. Amira seemed very keen on the sex much to my dissapointment. She constantly told me that 'it was worth the wait' and how she was 'enjoying making up for lost time'. There was no other way I could do it. I was trying to wean myself off _him_. It was like a drug, where weaning myself off him is the only thing that could possibly work. My relapses I managed to control. I'd go any pray, or start reciting prayers, phone Amira, speak to my parents. Anything that reminded me why I was doing what I did ... No wonder cold turkey didn't work for me.

Around since the time of the funeral, I hadn't actually felt any emotion. I don't know how that came about but I'd realized it recently. My life after all is currently one big joke.

Without looking too close to the surface one would think that I laughed at jokes, interrupted conversations at the right places, I watched TV, I admired my wife, argued with my mum and felt guilty afterwards.... If you actually looked properly then you would know that I laughed way too loud at the jokes, only interrupted so it would look like I was contributing something when I really didn't care, I looked at the TV listlessly but never actually absorbed it in at all, commented on my wife to make her feel good about herself, only felt guilty during and after arguements when I thought of everything that I had done to shame my family.

Inside, I was just ... empty.

Slumping down against the wall, I prayed in my head to Allah, for strength to keep this pretence up.


	9. Chapter 9 Counselling Decisions

**Chapter 9 - Counselling**

**Syed's POV:**

_GP Consultation Room - Wednesday 3rd February 2010_

_"Syed, I'm worried about you"._

I looked up at my GP, Dr. Farooq and smiled.

_"Why are you worried? I'm fine, Doctor". _

_"No, you're not. I think you're depressed"._

I looked up at the sound of his voice. Depressed? The last thing I was, was depressed. How had I even ended up with Dr. Farooq? Oh yeah, because of my mum. Story of my life. Sometimes you'd forget I was in my mind 20s. She wanted everyone in the family to have the same Doctor, and because he was a family friend, it would be an insult not to go with him apparently._ "An insult to his proffesion" _were my mother's exact words when I'd even suggested changing Doctor's when I was older.

I studied him intently. He looked exactly the same as he did when I was a kid. He was a short balding man who always wore a stethscope around his neck. He had a long crooked nose, at the end of which his thick framed glasses sat. He was wearing black trousers which reached above his ankles with a black shirt and suit jacket on top.

_"What's wrong"?_

I was hardly going to confide in him, was I? Asian doctors didn't do "patient-doctor" confidentiality. Well, not after a certain extent anyway. Some gossip was too juicy to keep to yourself. Before you know it, the entire grapevine is knowledgeable in that fact that you're bi-polar, or you've attempted suicide or juicier still, you had to have an abortion before anyone found out you were sleeping with the hot guy across the road. Well _that_ particular doctor had been struck off, but I wasn't gonna take that chance, not with no-one. I didn't 'do' feelings.

_"Nothing". _

I tried again but he didn't speak and just looked at me. I stood up.

_"Look, I'm sorry I'm wasting your time. I'm perfectly fine. To be honest, it was a waste of time even coming here"_ I picked my jacket up, turned and froze at his words.

_"It's your sister, isn't it". _

It caught me off-guard.

_"Sorry"?_ I knew what he was getting at and I didn't want to hear it.

_"I heard about your sister. I'm so sorry"._

I could only nod as I stared at the door.

_"Please, sit"_

I turned as he gestured the chair with his hand. I sat on the edge of the seat and stared at my hands which I was now nervously rubbing together.

_"It's been nearly 10 weeks and I don't think you've dealt with her death properly". _I sat numbly. He took my silence as his cue to continue speaking.

_"I'm referring you to a councilor" _Is he serious? My protests fell on deaf ears as he put up a hand to stop me. _"Now she's a great friend of mine and I think you'll really benefit from her. I'm booking you in for 4 primary sessions. After that it will be your choice whether or not you continue". _

_"You are kidding, right"? _His face showed me he was anything but. "_Are you sure I need a councillor? That's for like suicidal people or something isn't it"?_ I laughed unconvincingly as I tried to joke about it. My hands were sweating from the thought of having to speak about my feelings to someone. Who knew what I might bring up?

_"It's either that or anti-depressants". _

_"I'll take them"_ I spoke immediately. I'd chuck them away and no-one would be any the wiser.

_"Nope. You have to actually be depressed to take them, even though you're halfway there. I think talking to an unbiased third person will help your situation a lot Syed". _

I could only gape at him as he picked the phone up and started making arrangements....

***************

I walked out of the consultation room slightly shocked. Considering how little that I felt these days, that was something new to me.

_"What did he say babe"? _

Amira jumped off the seat and hurried over to me, her hair billowing out behind her.

I groaned inwardly but plastered a fake smile on my face instead. _"Nothing. Everything's fine. See I told you that you were worried for no reason". _

She looked at me waringly.

_"Are you sure? I mean, didn't he say anything about your weight loss"?_

_"He just told me to slow down a bit"_

She nodded thoughfully.

_"Yeah, you should. You've been working so hard lately, you need to take a rest"_

_"I'm doing it for us. We hardly still want to be living with my parents in 10 years time"? _

_"Look, I was thinking about that"._

_"Yeah..." _I looked around and noticed that we were approaching Turpin Road. My eyes darted around hoping to catch a glimpse but petrified too. Amira slipped her hand in mine and like usual, I allowed her too, yet never feeling anything.

_"Well, I overheard Ian saying that he'd given his lodgers a month to move out and I was thinking maybe we could buy it"? _

Her face lit up brightly.

_"What do you think? We wont have to move far out, we'll be close by to your family and our work places"_

_"But I thought you wanted a bigger place? I thought we both wanted to get away from Walford?"_

_"Yeah, but Syed, we need to be realistic. We're living in the recession and we're first time buyers. We wont be able to get a foot on the property ladder, no-one is going to give us a mortgage. Its either that, rent some poxy little flat or this. I think this is the right thing for us"._

I thought it over. I didnt want to stay in Walford but she'd made a good point. I didn't know if I was ready to move in with Amira, in our own place. If we did, we didn't have to worry about anyone hearing us at night, there was nothing stopping us walking around stark naked if we felt like it. I didn't want that. I was just about coping. Amira's face was animated as she continued speaking.

_"Please think about it"_

_"Do you really wanna be in debt to Ian Beale? I'd rather stay at home"._

We argued it out all the way back to Booty's. I reluctantly agreed to think about.

**Christian's POV:**

_The Vic - Wednesday 3rd February 2010_

Ashley laughed his deep gruff.

_"Did that really happen"?_

_"Yeah, it really did. If only you were there"_

He smiled at me and I gazed at him as we fell into a comfortable silence.

I played the glass around my hands. I could feel his gaze at me as a rush of cold air flew behind me as the door opened.

_"What you having then"? _

_"Usual. Orange Juice please. I'll grab us some seats"_

My back stiffened as I heard Syed's voice. He was here. Behind me.

_"Christi-ian". _Amira's voice trilled in my ear. I turned to look at her. She was wearing a sharp baby blue coloured waisted jacket with leggings and boots on. One thing I had to admit about Amira was that she always looked stylish.

_"Hey" _I kissed her cheek as she sat down next to me.

_"Ashley, this is Amira. Amira, this is Ashley"._

_"Hi, nice to meet you Amira". _As they shook hands, she nudged my arm playfully.

_"So is this the reason, I've hardly seen you lately"._

I smiled ruefully.

_"Nah, I've been really busy at work actually"._

_"Su-ure". _Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

I saw a shadow hovering over me, holding two glasses in either hand. I didn't need to look up to know that it was Syed.

_"Syed, sit down". _As she patted the seat next to her, I noticed that Syed only sat down reluctantly after scanning the room for other seats.

_"Sorry, it looks like your lumbered with us"._ I couldn't help myself, and slipped out that little dig. I am hurting, a lot, still.

_"It's fine. I feel like I haven't seen you for ages". _It was Amira who had answered.

_"You have just got married. What is it that they say, two's company and three's a crowd"._

It was my turn to nudge her as she blushed. I stole a glance at Syed.

His face surprised me. It didn't look like him at all. He'd lost weight and he just looked ... vacant. As Amira turned to him, he smiled and I saw him pulling himself back into the conversation. it was all just an act, I thought with a jolt in my stomach. He's not happy in his marriage. I didn't know how this made me feel. Happy or sad? Pleased or angry? I stewed over it in my mind, my ears only half listening to the conversation.

_"Syed, this is Ashley. Christian's partner"._

_"We've met before. Sorry about last time.."_

He trailed off while shaking Ashley's hand briefly.

_"It's ok, all forgotten". _

_"When did you meet"? _

_"Oh I just saw him at Christian's"._

Amira accepted the answer without question and the conversation quickly moved on. I moved closer to Ashley as Amira scooted up to Syed. I kept watching him and as I did so, I knew he wasn't happy with his marriage. It was a sham. I was wrestling with my feelings for him as they battled to come up and I was also fighting my conscience. Was it my place to intrude on their marriage? After all Syed had chosen Amira...

**Syed's POV:**

_Councillor Sara's Therapeutic Room - Saturday 13th February 2010_

The brunette woman cocked her head to the side while making some notes. I looked at Sara, my councillor. On our first session, she'd made it clear that she wasn't there to force any information out of me and was simply there for me to unburden my thoughts on. She asked me the basic questions which I happily answered. After a while. we'd fallen into a silence.

I stared at the white walls. The room was plush yet classy. There was 2 black stretch sofa's which faced opposite each other in the centre of the room, with a Persian rug on the floor. There was a table pushed against the wall with a chair tucked neatly under. I looked around not sure what to say.

_"Do you have any close friends"? _

I looked up and met her steely grey eyes across the room. Close friends? Well I used to .. I pushed the thought out of my brain and indirectly answered the question to take the conversation down a different, less prohibited one.

_"I'm busy working, and I spend all my time with my family and Amira"_

She nodded thoughfully as if this made a great deal of sense to her.

_"Is there any reason why you work so hard"? _

How could I even begin to explain this? This was _exactly_ why I hadn't want to come here.

_"Tell me about Sareena. You mentioned her last week"_

I nodded at her. I knew that I hadn't dealt with her death and I wanted to deal with it. It was time to put her rest. I'd never forget her but I had to grieve for her in order to move forward. Hopefully, in doing so, I'd be able to get some of my old self back. I wanted to change. I could feel it. I thought of Sareena. I felt a dull ache in my heart.

_"She was ... the most .. beautiful baby I've ever seen.... I can't describe her but you had to her to appreciate her"_

My voice was raspy. The emotions I'd buried from her death rose up and the barrier's I had kept against them had weakened and finally tore. I knew it was only a matter of time because I'd been thinking about her a lot recently but it didn't make it any easier.

_"It just is. I .. I feel guilty everyday. I ... I wish I could go back in time and change what happened"_

_"What do you mean"_

_"Her death, its my fault"_

_"How Syed? You didn't kill her"_

_"But I did". _I shut my eyes tightly.

_"Tell me how, explain to me how you're feeling"._

The words triggered something inside me. I was finally being given my chance.

Sara crossed the room quickly and sat beside me. She took a hand in mine and looked me straight in the face. I didn't find it intimidating at all. It reassured me in some obscure way. I think she could tell I was finally ready to let loose. It might be months too late, but I was finally ready.

_"I did something bad, I can't tell you what I did. But I know that this is how Allah is punishing me for everything I did. He took my little sister away and I know that I'll never finish regretting it"_

_"You can't blame yourself. After all maybe God felt it was her time to go. If you spend your entire lifetime beating yourself up, you won't be doing yourself any favours at all. Also, Sareena wouldn't want you to spend your life torn up over what may not even be your fault"._

_"I just feel so guilty"_

_"And its affected the last3 months"_

_"I feel like it's an insult to her"_

_"If she's listening to us right now, I'm pretty sure that she'll be more insulted of what you just said"_

_"Let your emotions out Syed. If you bottle them up, they'll turn on each other before they ultimately bring you down. Our session's finished for today, but if you don't mind can I ask you to do me a favour please"? _Sara's voice was gentle.

I looked at her focusing on her hair.

_"What kind of favour"?_

_"Think about your sister before we meet again. Laugh, cry, scream, shout. Do whatever comes naturally to you"._

Was that supposed to be the favour?

_"I'll try"._

_"That's all I ask"._

_"Thank you"._

_"No, thank you"._

I left the room bemused at why I'd want to thank myself, yet I felt lighter in myself. I knew that I'd finally taken the first steps to grieving and in time I knew that I'd be strong enough to deal with all my past.

_**Masood Household, Syed's bedroom - Thursday 25th February 2010**_

I breathed deeply looking at my window. I had to do it. I had to think about _him. _

My hands trembled as I placed them on my lap.

I'd had my last councilling session 3 days ago with Sara. Dr. Farooq hadn't been kidding when he'd said that she was the best person he knew. I knew in my heart, I'd finally accepted that Sareena's death wasn't my fault. That if anything was a massive improvement in itself. But I was now ready to get over _him. _I wanted to do it because I can't stand the person that I've become. This bitter, cold man who is acting out a fake life in every sense of the word. I know that until I get over my previous relationship, I won't ever be happy with Amira.

My parents, Tamwar and Amira have gone to Manchester. It's some relative or another's weding and I'd managed to stay behind. Amira wanted to stay with me but my mum wasn't having it, what with it being her first 'public' outing as the 'new daughter-in-law'. Jane had told my parents that we all couldn't take time off, not with 2 big functions on the same day (which was yesterday). Snow in Manchester had cancelled all the train services in and out of there so that cancelled my plans to travel today. I was grateful for the 2 days alone that I had in front of me.

So, the perfect oppurtunity to think about _him_. My carefully constructed barrier's that I'd placed against _him_ and Sareena had taken a battering in every sense of the word. I now had a pitiful weak wall which I knew if I really tried, I could bring down in a minute. I stood up and paced my room. I allowed my mind to calm itself as I thought of trivial things....

I threw a glance at the window. My heart froze as I saw Ashley and _him_ walking down hand-in-hand. My feet walked towards the window on their own accord. The shock had thrown me of seeing them together, of seeing _him_ holding someone else's hands, laughing with another man, kissing him ... The pain went through me and I clutched at the window sill. I stared out willing them away yet unable to look away.

Ashley pulled away from him and spoke a short sentence. His back was tensed, his muscles rippling through the light brown v-neck. His blue jeans hung casually from his hips. I tried to tear my eyes away but the fact that I'd finally allowed myself to think about him and willingly gaze at him meant that I was greedily drinking him in before my 'other side' forced me to look away. Christian suddenly pushed past him back in the direction of his flat. Why was he leaving? I smiled as I realised they were having an arguement. Ashley grabbed his hand and spun _him_ around. His face contorted, angry. He angrily pulled his arm away from Ashley. The words were intelligible but I knew exactly what tone of voice he'd be using. I smiled to myself and stared at Ashley. Whatever he'd said, i was glad of it.

I caught his eyes and even from my window, his sea-green eyes were easy to see. The intensity of his look caused me to take a step back. In the same moment, he looked away. My heartbeat increased. He was still having this effect on me. Think of Amira. Think of mum. Slowly it decreased and went back to normal. I gazed at them in the middle of the Square.

The embrace caught me off-guard. I could only watch in horror as my ex-lover slipped his arms around Ashley's waist. He pulled his body against his, and right there, they kissed passionately. It was long and slow. As he moved his head to the side, ran his hands up and down his back, and whispered into his ear, he caught my eye once more. I staggered back from the window, falling onto the bed.

Tears filled my eyes instantly and fell. The pain I felt was physical and went straight to my core. My body was heaving with the sobs. I started howling like a baby, unable to stop. How could he do that? Kiss him like that, knowing that I was watching. I wanted him to be happy, I really did, but was it so necesaary to rub it into my face? The image of him running his hands along his spine, whispering sweet nothing;s, I thought of how he used to do that to me once upon a time. This only caused me further pain. I thrashed out on my bed, hitting my pillow with all the force that I could extert. It wasn't fair. I wanted him. i wanted him so badly. Thinking it 'aloud' had only made me realize that the path I'd chosen could no longer work. I couldn't live this lie any longer. I wiped my tears away. This wasn't fair on my mum, dad, Amira, me, Ashley or _him_. I sat up straight. I was going to fight for him back.

Christian belonged to me. I gritted my teeth. I had to tell Christian, Amira and my parents. But I was going to do it. I needed to be happy, I deserved to be truly happy as did Amira. This pretence can't go on any longer. Since we'd broken up, I haven't once been happy, not even on my own wedding for crying out loud! My life's been a misery and I can't take it any longer. As I stood up, something else hit me. I'd finally thought of him by his name and not _him. _There was no point in getting over him, because I was getting him back. One way or another. I am getting Christian Clarke back, tonight.

**Christian's POV:**

_15a Turpin Road - Thursday 25th February 2009 - 11.21pm_

_Buzzzzzzz._

I looked over at my clock. Who on earth was here at 11.21pm? No-one called so late for me, well if they did, it was normally planned in advance. I stood up from the sofa and strode over to the phone. Picking it up, I answered it.

_"Hello"?_

Heavy breathing greeted me on the side. That sounded like ... But it couldn't be .. could it?

_"We need to talk"._

His voice jolted me. Syed? Here? at 11.30pm at night? I felt a twinge of guilt as I thought back to earlier. I'd more or less had a full on snog with Ashley in the middle of the Square. I knew he had been watching and he knew that I knew that he knew.

_"Hang on a minute"._

I buzzed him up and stood back. i could hear his footsteps on the stairs. I wondered why he'd come. The doorbell rung out through the flat, shattering the silence. I breathed deeply as I gave myself a quick pep talk. Don't expect anything. He can be here for any reason. I pulled my shoulders up, composed myself and answered the door.

Pulling it back, I didn't move from the doorway.

_"How can I help you"?_

My voice was curt as I took in his appearance. He'd lost so much weight since the wedding and was currently dressed in a green t-shirt and blue jeans. His hair was too neat and I pushed down the urge to reach over and ruffle it up. I used to have that priviledge and now, well now .. that was a whole different ball game.

_"Like I said, we need to speak"_

_"We do"? _

Syed paused and read my face. I noticed that it must look hostile to him but I was past caring.

_"Is Ashley here"?_

I did a double-take.

_"Sorry? You've come into my flat at 11.30 at night to ask after my boyfriend"?_

He flinched at the word boyfriend and attempted to compose himself. I scoffed. I could see straight through his whole charade.

_"If he is, then we can't talk"._

_"What do you really want Syed? You've made it clear that we're not even friends"._

He didn't speak. I looked into his chocolate brown eyes and instantly regretted my words.

_"I'm sorry". _

He didn't respond. Sighing, i stood back and allowed Syed to enter my flat. Slamming the door shut, I caught him scanning the flat, when i turned around.

_"So he's not here then"._

_"That's none of your business. Quite frankly what I do in the privacy of my own home, is none of your business anymore"_

_"Anymore..." _He repeated my words back to me quietly.

_"So come on are you going to explain the Jekyll and Hyde act to me then?"_

His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

_"You haven't spoken to me in the last 2, 3 months and all of a sudden you turn up at my flat asking after my boyfriend. Excuse me for thinking you should be with Amira". _

He shook his head, his eyes complete in determination.

_"I don't want Amira"._

_"Sorry"?_

It was my turn to be confused. I couldn't even allow my hopes to raise because I knew it would only hurt that much more later.

_"I want you Christian"._

I stood still on the spot.

_"Sorry"?_

I seemed incapable of other words. He stepped closer to me, smiling for the first time.

_"I want you and only you"._

He took another step towards me. My thoughts bounced off each other, my heart rate accelerated. I'd been dreaming about this for months. Every night, I'd prayed that something like this would happen and now it finally had, all that I seemed to be able to do was stand there, staring at him like a fish. As his words hit me, I looked down breathing deeply. I shook my head.

_"No Syed, no more affairs. I won't be able to stay unemotionally attached. It's too hard. I can't do it.."_

He placed a finger on my lips instantly dissolving my words.

_"Good"_

_"What"?_

_"I'm glad you wont be able to stay unemotionally attached"._

_"You what"?_

Oh great, and the prize for most stupidest reply goes too .. I kicked myself mentally. His words dawned on me but there was only one way that could be possible .. Almost as if he had heard my thoughts, he nodded.

_"I don't want an affair. I want to be with you ..that is if you want me". _He added almost as an afterthought.

I could only gape at him in shock.

_"Say something Christian". _

He looked worried.

_"Oh, I'm sorry, this wasn't my best idea..."_

Throwing my head back with laughter, I hugged Syed tightly before swinging him around.

_"You idiot, Of course I want you". _

I kissed his neck and his face. The only part of his face that was left was his lips. I pulled back and stared at him full in the face.

_"Are you sure"? _

He smiled properly, my smile.

_"I've never been more sure of anything in my life"._

Dragging him over to the sofa, I pulled him down with me.

_"We'll have to tell everyone"_

_"I know"_

_"You might lose your family" _I dropped my voice.

_"I know"_ He repeated. _"But it'll be worth it"._

I could only beam at him.

_"I'm sorry about my behaviour earlier"._

I dropped my eyes from him suddenly ashamed.

_"It's ok, you weren't to know. Plus I didn't even think I'd make it past the front door"._

I looked at him properly. His eyes were glittering in the light. It was finally sinking in.

_"Why the sudden change of heart"?_

_"I realised I can't keep living a lie". _His tone was matter-of-fact

I could only nod at him. If only he'd understood this earlier, when I'd been trying to explain it, we both could have saved ourselves heartache. Syed was gazing around the room.

_"Since when"?_

_"I guess I always knew"._

I stared at him and as our eyes met, I felt a yearning of a different kind. I moved across the sofa to him. Our heads moved together, closer. Our heads bent, we rested our forehead's against each other. I closed my eyes and breathed his scent in.

_"Oh Syed" _

The words escaped my lips. When I opened my eyes again, I was shocked to see tears in Syed's eyes. I pulled back.

_"What's wrong"?_

He shook his head.

_"I'm just so ... happy". _

I felt a tug at my heartstrings as I gazed adoringly at him.

_"I've lived this lie for so long, I've forgotten what true happiness feels like"._

His words caused me to well up and I pushed them down.

_"I know Syed, I know"._

I felt the magnetic pull back towards his eyes. This time our lips mets first, slowly, anxiously. As he coaxed my mouth open, I felt my fears melt away. Our tongues explored each other's mouths, each recognizing familiar terrority. The kiss deepened. God, I wanted him _so _much. I'd missed him so badly. I began tugging at his clothes, but he pulled back.

_"What's wrong"? _

My breathing was ragged and heavy but I kept at it.

_"We have to wait"._

I stopped, my hands pausing as I looked him in the eyes. I could see the determination in his eyes.

_"I've waited so long for this, I want to do it properly"._

_"Marriage"?_

I felt slightly confused. Was Syed proposing to me?

_"No"._ He laughed and I felt slightly hurt. He noticed the look on my face and stopped immediately.

_"Not yet anyway. Sorry. Look I meant when I tell my family, I don't want to be accused of cheating on Amira"_

I understood what he meant.

_"But I want to carry you over to that bed and do all the dirty things I've only dreamt about doing, to you"_

My voice was whiny but Syed just smiled.

_"We'll have plenty of time for all that later. But please, it's important to me"_

I sighed frustratedly.

_"Fine"._

He gently took my hands in his and moved them away from him. My hands tingled from his touch. As he placed my hands in between us, he didn't release his grip. Instead he made patterns on my skin, electrifying me.

The silence between us was comfortable as we took in everything in.

_"How long"?_ I eventually asked.

_"2 days"._ His eyes were distant. In just 48 hours time, everyone would know the truth. Our minds thought over what would happen.

I couldn't believe that Syed was really back in my arms. I shifted on the sofa so my back was against the corner. I pulled Syed's back into me, against my chest. I placed my arms around him and allowed him to tilt his head back into my neck. Breathing his scent in, I interwined our fingers and spoke. We started discovering each other all over again, not physically, but mentally and emotionally...

_"Syed"?_ My voice was barely louder than a whisper. No reply.

_"Syed"? _I tried again. His breathing was slow and deep. I shifted slightly. My back was uncomfortable but I didn't want to move. My torso was pressed against his back. Our hands were still enterwined. Postive that he was asleep, I shifted my body slowly, until I slipped out behind him. I stretched my muscles before gingerly carrying him over to the bed. Placing him down, I took a spare pillow and duvet and settled down on the sofa. Syed was right, if we were going to do this, we might as well do it properly.

I looked at the time: 3.02am. I crept up to Syed, whispered something before settling down again on the sofa.

_"I love you"_


	10. Chapter 10 The Reveal And aftermath

**Chapter 10 - The Reveal**

**A/N: I just want to quickly take this oppurtunity to say thank you to everybody who has read my fanfiction, reviewed it, favourited it etc. I really do appreciate it. This chapter is 7196 words (sorry :p) because it's the last chapter in this particular fanfiction and I really wanted to finish it off properly. Don't worry though I'm planning on starting some more FFs soon and hopefully some MA rated ones too :P Please review my last chapter and let me know what you think of (I read every review) Also feel free to drop me some ideas.  
I love you all!!! :) :D :) :D  
Once again, THANK YOU! And enjoy Chapter 10: The Reveal (and Aftermath) :D**

**Syed's POV:**

_Masood Household- Saturday 27th February 2009 - 04.57pm_

I breathed in deeply. In, out, in and out again. My hands trembled as I packed my clothes. I really couldn't believe that I was about to do this. That I was really packing to leave home and move in with Christian Clarke. If you'd said that to me on my first day here, I would have thought you were either high on something, crazy or both but now ...

I looked around the room before zipping up the suitcase. I had everything that I needed. Just some clothes, shoes and a few other bits and pieces. I'd already packed away all my paperwork, passport. Amira's stuff were scattered around the room and the room currently looked like it was occupied by a teenage girl with make-up everywhere, clothes on the floor. Once everything was out in the open, the last thing that I wanted was to come back for something. I knew that my mum and Amira would burn everything left between them.

I'd told my family that I had something to tell them tonight and I wanted everyone present. i decided that I couldn't face telling it twice, after all once was bad enough. Despite arriving back from Manchester this morning, my dad had gone straight to work while Mum had caught up on her sleep. But she went to the MQ unit at lunchtime to help Jane and Christian who also were working.

I knew it must be hard for Christian but we'd spent the last 2 days speaking about it in great detail. We decided that if it became unbearable we'd move out and go to Brighton. Christian used to go there a lot and had some familiar links. He'd spent a year living there after his mum kicked him out and was sure that he could get his old job back in a club. I'd find work easily as a caterer, plus I had my degree too. Brighton had a lot of gay people so I knew that we wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb.

I looked at the time. 5pm. I dragged the suitcase out in the hall and down the stairs. Christian had given me some keys to leave my suitcase at his flat. My dad was the first person due home at 5.30. I knew that half an hour was more than enough time to leave it at Christian's and return....

I walked back into my house for what was probably going to be the last time. I looked at my watch 5.13pm. There was one last thing I really wanted to do, I went upstairs to my room for the final time, picked up a pen and a notepad and quickly started writing ...

**Christian's POV:**

_The Unit- Saturday 27th February 2009 - 3.30pm_

I looked at the clock for the umpteenth time. This was getting to be unbearable. The day had finally arrived when Syed was going to tell everyone the truth, and as expected the day seemed to be dragging on. I also happened to be working with Zainab. I knew that this would be my last shift with her, before she found out that I'd 'corrupted' her son.

Syed had made me promise that I'd leave him to do it alone. Initially, I'd argued against him but I gave in. He told me that this was something he needed to do alone for his own peace of mind. I'd reassured him that once the truth was out, I'd be waiting for him.

As Jane and Zainab chatted about "Sundowners" the latest book that they were reading for book club, I stayed quiet, just wishing it 8pm already.

**Syed's POV:**

_Masood Household- Saturday 27th February 2009 - 8pm_

Standing up, I stood in front of the TV and I cleared my throat. The conversation in the lounge died down instantly.

_"Finally are we going to find out why you insisted that everyone turned up to dinner tonight? I take it wasnt just for my delicious aloo ghobi, which was delicious if I say so myself"_

I looked around at the expectant faces. My mum was still smiling from complimenting her own food, and next to her on the settee was my dad looking thoughtful yet intrigued. Tamar looked serious and Amira was smiling at me from her seat.

_"Why the serious face? It can't be that bad"?_

I looked at Amira. If only she knew that I was about to turn her world upside down.

_"There's something I need to tell you. But before I do, I want you all to know how much I love you"_

_"Syed.."_ My mum's voice trailed off.

_"Is everything ok babe"?_ Amira stood up from the sofa. As she stepped towards me I involuntarily stepped back holding my arm out to stop her from coming nearer.

Closing my eyes I thought of my marriage and how miserable I felt. I then thought about Christian and I smiled. I knew what I had to do. Opening my eyes, I looked at my family who were still waiting.

_"Mum, dad, I've always tried my hardest to please you. I'm sorry for everything bad I've ever done. Tamwar, I know that we haven't always seen eye to eye but I've tried to be the older brother that you deserve"._

I put my hand up as my mum went to interrupt me.

_"Please let me finish, if I don't say this now I never will"._

My mum didn't speak so I continued.

_"Amira, you know that I love you and that I've always tried to treat you as my Princess". _

Amira nodded, confusement on her pretty face.

_"But I'm sorry, it's just not .. it's not me. I will always love you, all of you, and please don't ever forget that".. _

_"What are you talking about Syed? You're starting to scare me so can you just spit it out already"?_

Looking straight at Tamwar, I realised I was babbling.

I thought of those sea-green eyes, the guy who I realised was the sole reason for my existence. Courage come from within me at the thought of Christian.

_"I'm gay"._

I scanned the room as the silence deafened me. You could hear a pin drop in the room. Maybe it wasn't going to be that bad, maybe they'd ... In that split second their faces changed. Tamwar's mouth hung open while Amira just stared in shock. My mum's hand was frozen in the air while my dad's face was completely blank.

A second passed.

Amira jumped off the sofa and slapped me with such force, my head turned 45 degrees. I heard my neck crick. My cheek stung and I could feel it throbbing. I didn't speak immediately. Slowly, I pulled my head forward. Amira was standing in front of me. My mum leapt off the sofa behind her.

_"You're what"?_

I couldn't bring myself to say it a second time.

"_Are you joking"?_ I looked at Amira.

"_No. I'm sorry Amira. I wish I was" _I was standing in such a close proximity to my mum. But I said it anyway, I'd already said it once. I willed time to fast-forward an hour, so the horrible messy scene that was about to play out, would already be over but nothing happened.

_"I dont think I heard correctly. I mean did my Muslim son just look me in the face and tell me he's gay"? _

My mother stood next to Amira. Her eyes were widened from the shock. Neither of the males moved. Both Amira and my mum had the same look of shock and confusion on their face. I could tell that they didn't believe me or at least didnt want to believe it.

_"I'm sorry"._ It was all I could say. As my mother reaslied that I wasn't joking she began hurling abuse on me in both English and Panjabi. I could only listen, trying not to tremble as everyone joined in, finally realising that I wasn't lying.

_"What have we done to deserve this cruel fate from Allah?" "You're supposed to be my husband. We've only just got married and you're telling me that you're GAY?" "That's disgusting" "The amount of trouble you've caused this family, its more than you're worth". _

Each one drowned out the last. I found myself backed in a corner with my family staring down at me. Christian's face floated through my mind and that was all the strength that I needed.

_"Aren't you going to say something"?_ My mother raged at me.

_"What do you want me to say"?_

_"That this is some kind of sick joke" _If only I could Amira..

_"Explain ... say SOMETHING"._

_"Explain what? Is anyone actually going to listen to me"?_

_"Explain how you've caught this terrible ... disease". _She gestured around wildly. _"Explain how something only people like Christian have, how you've caught it. We can change you. I know someone who specialises in this kind of thing. He's fixed men before, he can fix you. it's a curse. Someone hates us so they've cursed -"._

My body had involuntarily twitched at Christian's name. I'd hope that it'd gone unnoticed but It hadn't.

_"Christian"._

That was all my dad had to say to stop my mum.

_"ChristI- Masood, no you might know who I'm talking abo-". _She trailed off and turned to look at me.

No one spoke and I knew it would only be a matter of time before everyone clocked onto the truth.

_"Tell me it it's not true". _

I didn't speak. Realisation dawned on my mother's face.

_"You've been cheating on me with CHRISTIAN? My best mate? My husband and MY GAY FRIEND"?_

I looked at them. All the truth was in the open now. I had nothing to hide.

_"I've NEVER cheated on you while we've been married. That much I can promise you". _She let out something that was a half strangled cry and a half strangled sob.

_"SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIED? Has this really been going on since BEFORE OUR MARRIAGE"?_

_"I stopped it because I thought it was for the best. But I'm living a lie now, can't you see it? I'm not happy, I can't keep hiding my identity". _

My dad honoured me with a reply. His face was stony.

_"NO! I can't see it. I can't see why I've nearly worked myself to DEATH for this wedding and now today less than 2 months later you're turning around and throwing it back in our faces. You've always been selfish". _He paused. "_GAY? You and Christian??"._ The disgust in his voice wasn't hard to miss.

_"I'm sorry, I really am. I only got married because I wanted to do the right thing by you, by mum, Amira, Allah.."._

My mum shrieked as I mentioned God.

_"Don't, Syed! How can you even bring God into this? You're not even worthy to say his name anymore. You'll burn in hell for eternity. Is it really worth it? Is Christian really worth that, hut"?_

I flinched. Yes I screamed in my head. He's worth that and so much more. I couldnt verbally say it because I didn't know how much more anyone could take. Amira stumbled back onto the sofa.

_"I love Christian". _

My voice was simple, matter-of-fact. The same tone that I'd told him with.

_"You were supposed to love ME"._ Amira broke down crying on the sofa. As she sobbed, I could feel guilt but no remorse.

_"You deserve someone better than me. Someone who can really make you happy". _

My words must have triggered something in her because her tears stopped as fast as they came. Her eyes narrowed as they focused on something behind me. She stood up, storming past me and grabbed something.

_"Look"._

I looked at the object in her hand. A framed photo of us on our wedding day. We were both smiling at the camera, enjoying our big day. I didn't point out to Amira that she enjoyed the day while my heart was broken, reminiscing over the man I had to give up for her, my family, my religion. Her hand with the photo trembled.

_"I'm sorry Amira. Really. I didn't want it to happen like this"._

_"And what you think I did"?_

I looked her into her cold yet sad eyes. I blinked away. I was saving her now, before it's too late. Before we were both in too deep and had kids that could be affected by this. Couldn't she understand that?

"_You bastard, I hate you Syed Masood"._

She slammed the photo at my feet, turned on her heel and half-ran to the door. She stopped at the door and faced me one last time.

_"I want a divorce and I never wanna see you again. I hope he leaves you". _With that parting remark, she chucked her wedding ring across the room and it landed at my feet. I knew that Christian would never leave me. No-one could ever understand the intensity of our relationship.

I could only watch as she ran out the living room and up the stairs, with tears streaming down her face. I turned to my family. My mum was wailing into my dad's shoulder. Tamwar was the only person who hadn't moved. I didn't speak and I felt a lump rise in my throat. I'd really fucked up big time.

"_You selfish, ego-tastical stupid boy. She's the best person you'll ever find and you chose Christian over her"_ Tamwar didn't even wait for a reply as he ran after her. I left him. I had bigger fish to fry.

_"Mum, dad"?_ My voice was tentative, I couldn't leave on bad terms.

_"Please talk to me"._

_"And say what eh Syed"?_ My father's voice turned to anger. _"Every single time Syed. You've truly outdone yourself in fucking up this time. What do you think we're gonna welcome you back with open arms in a couple of years? If you do, you're sorely mistaken boy. You've made your choice, now leave"._

_"Please dad, you have no idea how hard this was for me"._

_"For you? What about your mother, Amira? That poor girl has had her whole life ruined now. We'll never be able to go back out into the community again. None of us."_

_"I'm sorry. Please just try and understand it from my point of view". _

Tears were pouring down my face.

_"I love him dad, I really do. I'm never going to be happy with anyone except him. Can't you accept that"?_

I hadn't even noticed that I was walking towards my parents.

_"Just go Syed. Before I really do something I regret"._

The cold fury on his face halted me. Maybe it was best I left. But before I did…

_"Mum"?_

I looked at her and she turned slowly towards me.

_"Can you live without him"?_

_"No"._

I repied immediately. Maybe she'd actually understand and accept it.

_"Can you live without us"?_

_"No"._

She looked at me.

_"Choose"._

_"What"?_ In my heart I always knew it'd come down to this but I never believed that I'd actually be forced to choose.

_"You heard me Syed. Choose. Your family or him". _The last word was full of contempt.

_"That's not fair. You can't make me choose between my family or the man I love". _

My mum slapped me with as much force as Amira's slap.

_"HOW CAN YOU STAND THERE AND SAY THAT? The man you love? Have we bought you up this way? Huh? We've ALWAYS done right by you and today our OWN SON stands here and throws everything back in our faces. His morals, religion, culture, our love. And all he can do is stand there and profess his love for some ... some ." _

The rest of her sentence was left unspoken but that didn't stop the tears from running down my face.

_"Go!" _

_"No, please"_

_"I mean it Syed, GO and never darken our doorstep again"._

My feet remained frozen. I needed Christian. I was so stupid for telling him not to come. I found myself being dragged. I looked around wildly as my dad had moved so swiftly I hadn't even noticed. He was dragging me to the front door.

_"You heard your mother. As of this minute, I have no respect left for you. You don't deserve anyone or anything, and least of all your family"._

My dad had never ever spoken to me like that. I'd never even heard him speak to someone else like that and all of sudden, I was hearing it? I couldn't believe it.

_"Mum!" _

I tried to grab the doorframe of the lounge door. It worked and halted me. He let go off me to open the front door.

_"Please mum". _I grabbed the front of her top. _"I'm your son. i love you all so much. But I can't help how I feel about him, you need to understand"._

_"If you love us so much then leave him"._

I shook my head forcefully.

_"I can't. I've already tried and it didn't work. Please, I'm still your son. Your Syed who used to leave his mum pictures hidden around the house"._

I cried into her top as fear took over. I'd already lost my family once. If I lost them again, I knew there would be no going back.

My mum gripped my hands and pulled them away from her top. She knew what I was thinking and shook her head sadly.

_"That boy's gone. I have no son except Tamwar".._

My heart froze. Oh, my ... My own mother had just said ...

_"Just go Syed". _

I didn't respond and my dad pushed me backwards, the final step through the door.

I knew that this moment would haunt me forever. My dad with his face full utter loathing, pitiful. My mum's tired face was full of contempt and disgust. She spat at my feet. The cruellest thing someone could do the their own child was to spit at them. Her final words sent a chilling sensation through my bones.

_"In our eyes, you're now dead". _

The door slammed shut. Shaking, I turned around, my vision blurred from the tears. I felt isolation, rejection, hurt and fear in one emotion. The words not registering into my brain. I needed him. I needed him so badly. Blindly, I ran through the Square in the direction of his flat. Everything around me was simply there, but my mind couldn't even begin to process it. I slowed down. I knew I'd only hold for another minute. My mum's words rang in my ears.

I saw Chrisitan's flat and started sprinting. The thought that he was there gave my lungs all the air that they needed. I ran to the door to find it unlocked and ran up the stairs. Before I'd even touched the door, it flew open revealing his worried face.

_"Oh Sy"._

It was all I needed. Slamming the door shut I ran straight into his arms. The real emotion I'd held back, came flooding out, finally unleashed. His arms embraced me tightly, protecting me. I could only sob as he murmured into my ear. _"It's gonna be fine, I'm here". _This made me feel worse. I tried to speak but my tears were falling thick and fast. "_Shh! Speak later". _ I nestled closer into him and cried into the night, while Christian held me, forever my protector and saviour.

**Christian's POV:**

_15a Turpin Road- Saturday 27th February 2009 - 12.36am_

I could hear his tears finally subsiding. I felt physically sick. Syed had spent nearly 2 hours crying. I'd only caught some of what he's said. _"She said I was dead in her eyes" _seemed to be the one that hurt him the most. I could understand why. Even my own mother hadn't gone so far.

Syed was hurting. He was hurting badly and that meant that I was hurting as well. I'd paced my flat anxiously as I'd waited for him, constantly running back to the window to check if he was outside. I'd debated on going over but I couldn't bring myself to go knowing I'd made a promise to Syed. Just when I was seriously considering waiting in the Square for him, I'd seen him. Even from my distance, I could tell that he was upset. In my haste to unlock the front door downstairs, I'd nearly gone flying over the table. I heard him pounding up the stairs and his face told me all that I needed to know. Syed had been disowned.

His force nearly knocked me but I just clutched him to me as he sobbed. I knew that it'd always come to this but it didn't make it any easier to bear. I carried him over to the sofa. All that I could was soothe him and try and calm him down. I'd stroked him hair and told him that everything would be ok. The pain I felt hearing Syed cry was unbearable. I would have done anything to put him out of his pain.

Neither of us had moved since I'd bought us both onto the settee. Syed pulled in my arms. I released him, my chest soaked with his tears, and handed him some tissues, looking away as he cleaned his face. I felt as if I was intruding on some kind of private grief. Knowing that I played a part in those tears, only caused anger directed at myself and mentally I berated myself.

_"I'm sorry". _

Syed's voice was thick.

_"Sorry, what on earth are you sorry for"?_

_"For making your shirt wet"._

I quietly laughed, and lifted his chin up so I could meet his eyes. They were glistening from the tears.

_"You have nothing to be sorry for, you've done nothing wrong"._

My words held double meaning and his eyes registered them. Tears welled up in his eyes.

_"Then why do I feel like I have"? _

As tears splashed down his face, I felt my heart tear. He looked so lost, vulnerable, scared, and confused.

_"Listen to me Syed. Your only crime was finding me. So if you're sorry about anything then you should be sorry about that"._

He shook his head, his tears slowly.

_"But I'm not sorry about that". _

I smiled a small smile.

_"Why all the tears Sy"?_

_"It's just like last time. But this time I wont get my family back. I'll never see my mum again. I'll never talk to my dad, brother. My sister will probably hate me too once everyone finishes brainwashing her". _

I caressed my thumb on his face, wiping away the tears.

_"It's different this time"_

_"How"?_

_"You have me". _I held his gaze. _"I mean it Syed, I'm not going anywhere. Your family will come around one day"._

Syed didn't speak but he just acknowledged that he heard me.

_"I'm tired Christian"._

_"I know. You should go to bed"._

Syed didn't respond, just dragged his feet in the direction of the bathroom. As the door closed behind him, I sighed, running my hands over my face. Syed was quite clearly heartbroken. I wanted to do something to make it all seem ok, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to. He needed to get over it in his own time, and all that I could do was be there for him, love him and support him.

I was frightened of telling him that I loved him to his face. If I did, it would be the first time in the last 5 months that it had been said. It didn't seem right, given the circumstances. I heard the shower switch off and I moved towards the bed. He was quicker than I'd expected. I started pulling the cushions off the bed, and pulled the duvet back. I could hear him rustling around in his suitcase behind me. Even now, my entire body seemed concentrated on him. This really was an effect like no other....

In the bathroom, I thought back to earlier. I'd told Jane about Syed and I and had made her promise not to say anything. She's initally been shocked but agreed that as long as we really knew what we were getting ourselves into, and we were happy, she didn't mind. I knew Ian would be more concerened on how it would affect his 'business relationship' with the Masoods but to be honest, I really couldn't give a toss. There were some things more important that money, and this was by far one of them.

I stepped out of the bathroom, wearing my favourite Superman boxers and a white vest. February was too cold to sleep naked. I looked over to the bed. Syed was watching me, smiling. I smiled back. Even across the room, our eyes located each other quickly.

_"Come to bed"._

My smile broadened.

_"But just not tonight"._

I nodded at him.

_"It doesn't feel right"._

_"I know". _It was too raw for us both. I wanted to make love to him more than anything, but I wanted the mood to be right. It was as if he read my mind, nodding. I sat on the bed, looking down at him.

_"Your mood's changed"_

_"I know. What happened back there, what was said .." _Syed's voice cracked._ "It hurt but it's worth it, if I can have you". _

I ran a finger down his face. He closed his eyes at my touch. I scanned his face, drinking in every detail. His face was serene.

_"Are you sure"?_

He opened his eyes.

_"I'm sure". _

I smiled at Syed, love radiating through me. Leaning down I kissed his lips softly, taking him by surprise. Our tongues met easily. His eyes smiled at me and I ran my hands through his hair. He gripped my vest, pulling me closer in. I felt warm hands on my back, running along my spine. The kiss became more suggestive and I pulled back. We were both breathing heavily.

_"Syed"._

He looked at me, smiling.

_"What's wrong"?_

_"You know what's wrong"._

He pulled an inncoent face, shrugging. If it wasn't for the cheeky grin and glint in his eyes, I would have thought he didn't know.

_"About half a second ago, you said you wanted us to wait"._

_"I did, but that was then and this was now". _

I looked at the clock.

_"You want our first night to be at 1.39 in the morning, when I've got to be up at 7?"_

_"You're still going to go to work"?_

_"I have to"._

_"But my mum.."_

_"Don't worry. I'm a big boy I'll take care of myself"._

I kissed him again, reassuringly. Within moments, Syed was already pulling me onto him. With a great deal of control, I pulled myself back.

_"You're testing me, Sy"._

I laughed as I took in his torn face. I could see he wanted it to be meaningful just like I did but I also could see that his lust was controlling him too.

_"Tomorrow night"._ I answered for him.

_"I think you mean tonight"._

Wow, Syed was _really_ keen. This caused my heart to pound faster._"No, I thought we just established that I have to be up at the crack of dawn. You really are eager-"._ Syed placed a hand across my mouth. I stopped instantly, at his touch.

_"I mean, it's past midnight so technically you mean tonight". _Syed didn't remove his hand.

_"Oh"_ I breathed against his hand, my warm breath bouncing back onto my mouth.

I moved his hand gently.

_"Goodnight Sy. Sleep tight"._

His eyes were warm but I could see the hurt lingering in them.

As he turned around, I knew that he wouldn't be getting no sleep. He'd lie awake, thinking of the whole confrontation with his family again, just like I had done all those years ago. I didn't want him to relive the pain again. I'd give him some sleeping tablets. I knew he'd be grateful for the few hours of sleep that he'd get if any...

**Syed's POV:**

_15a Turpin Road- Saturday 27th February 2009 - 4am._

_"You're dead in our eyes". _

As the door slammed shut in my face, I found myself falling into a pit. I looked down in horror. There was bright orange and red flames of fire around me. The scream never left my mouth as I thrashed desparately, unsuccesfully attempting to climb up in thin air. I was getting closer to the flames, and I looked up. Nothing, except fire was all around me. The realisation that I was going to burn alive caused me to scream as I felt something dragging me down.

_"No!!!" _I hit out in every direction, utterly petrified.

_"Syed! Wake up! Please"._

I sat up instantly. I looked around the flat and realised I was at Christian's flat. It was a nightmare. it wasn't real. It wasn't real. Sweat was pouring down my face, and I looked at my hands and saw that they were shaking.

_"Syed". _

I turned to Christian. The only source of light in the room came from streetlamps outside, which peeked through the crack in the curtains. Christian's face showed me that he was scared. It took me a couple of minutes for the events of my lifetime to catch up with me. My bottom lip trembled.

_"Oh Sy". _His soft, caring voice only made me feel worse. As the tears fell, his arms were around me in an instant. This only caused me to blub further.

_"Oh Sy, it was just a dream. You're safe now"._

_"It's not, I really am going to hell"._

His hands paused as they rubbed my back. He pulled back, looking intently at my face.

_"You are not going to hell, Syed"._

_"But I am"._

_"You've done nothing wrong"._

_"I'm gay, aren't I? That's a sin in itself."_

_"Your good deeds outweigh everything else"._

I didn't answer. My mind reliving the images again from my nightmare. I shuddered. Christian noticed and pulled me against his chest.

_"Shh, I'm here. Let's try and get some sleep". _

I knew that I wouldn't and so did Christian. I breathed into his chest, focusing on him. I nestled closer to him, determined to close any gaps. It didn't take him long to make me feel safe in his arms. As he stroked me rhythmitically, I felt myself drifting off to sleep clutching onto him.

My dream changed, there was nothingness around me but ocassionaly disorted images would float past me. Amira surrounded by kids. My parents, quite clearly a lot older taking a walk near a lake. Tamwar in university, in a room I assumed to be his dorm, studying. Shabnam's wedding day and me looking on at my laughing family like an outsider. When I awoke I had forgotten all the images except the last one. It was Christian and I caught in a storm on a little boat. As the waves had crashed around us, we held onto each other as we waited to ride out the storm...

**Syed's POV:**

_91 Kingston Road, Wales- Sunday 7th March 2010_

We'd finally moved out of Walford.

Well not exactly moved but relocated. Christian's friend Ashley had to travel to Australia for 3 months and needed someone to house-sit for him. We'd jumped at the oppurtunity to leave. Things had become unbearable. Amira had apparently gone back to her old flat. I'd only left the flat once at Christian's insistence, and had seen my mum going into the unit. She'd seen me and screamed abuse at me, asking me how I could dare to show my face. My dad had ignored me in the street, throwing me a disgusted look.

I'd ran all the way back to the flat where Christian had asked me if I'd mind moving to Wales? I'd agreed despite knowing it was his ex's house. The only guy he'd been with since me. i told myself that I didn't mind because I had Christian now and that was all that mattered to me.

So here we were, in Wales. The weather was worse than Walford.

I felt Christian slip his arms around me. I turned around finding those pure green eyes. I smiled and instantly relaxed. I had never been more certain of making the right decision before.

I smiled as I thought of Thursday night. Our only night together but what a night. I My thoughts of Christian screaming my name, led to a heated blush travelling rapidly up my neck.

_"What you thinking of"?_

I didn't reply, instead wrapping my arms around him and kissing him passionately, I led him towards the bedroom. I'd leave him to work it out.

**Christian's POV:**

_34 Ellitridge Road, Brighton - Friday March 16th 2012 _

_"Christian .. you know that I love you, right"?_

My heart rate accelerated just slightly at those words. I looked down at my tanned boyfriend, my eyes searching over him.

_"You want something"._

It was a statement not a question. I knew Syed Masood better than I knew myself. I knew every millimetre of his body, every weak spot he had, his mind, his thoughts, everything about him. But it was never enough for me, Syed was more addictive than heroin.

_"What makes you think that"?_

I raised my eyebrow at him, smirking.

_"Is it that obvious"? _

His eyes glinted at me, and a coy smile on his lucsious lips.

_"Yeah, it is. Are you finally going to tell me why I haven't been allowed in the back bedroom, for the last 2 days?". _My eyes were fixated on his lips. I had an urge to kiss them.

_"Come with me". _Syed reached over for my hand, and as my hand made contact with his, my skin tingled. It never ceased to amaze that after 2 years, he still took my breath away just like he did back in Albert Square.

_"Do you remember Natasha"?_

I nodded, my eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

_"Of course I do"._

How could I forget her? Syed and I had been to an adoption agency. Tasha as we liked to call her, had stolen our hearts immediately. She was 9 years and was wearing a yellow dress the first time we saw her. When we entered the room, she had been talking quietly to her barbie doll. She had brown hair which was styled into a plait. Her steely grey eyes had melted me the first time that I'd seen her. Her mum was Viatenemese and her dad was French. This combination had left her with the most stunning features. Syed and I were more nervous than her but as our 30minute slot wore on, we relaxed. We'd seen countless kids, some with no parents, dead parents, drug addict parents, parents who'd abandoned their kids. Each one had their own story and it was heart wrenching to hear every story. But we'd been rejected time and time again because their social workers wanted the kids to be part of a tradtional 'nuclear family'. So in simple terms, they didn't want two men. This annoyed because we had so much love to share and we couldn't.

I stroked Syed's palm with my thumb. He stopped at the top of the stairs to look at me. I grinned at him. Smiling, he shook his head.

_"We'll have plenty of time for that tonight"._

_"Why not now"?_

_"Because..."_ He paused and opened the first door. I gaped in shock.

Stepping in, I looked around. The 'spare' room had been transformed into a girl's bedroom. It decorated with pink wallpaper, and Hannah Montana posters. The bed was decorated with stickers and the window was complete with soft toys. There were doll houses, a baby keyboard, a small wardrobe.

But that wasn't what shocked me the most. There in the middle of the room was Natasha who was already playing with the doll house.

_"I dont understand" _was all I say stutter.

_"Our application for Tasha has been successful". _

_"I didn't even know that we were being considered"_

_"I wanted to make it a surprise"._

I could feel a lump rising in my throat. What had I done to deserve such a kind man? I must have really done something right.

Syed walked over to Tasha.

_"Look whose here"._ She looked up and smiled when she saw me. I watched as she took Syed's hand and walked over to me. I bent down to her level.

_"Hi Natasha. Do you remember me"?_

She nodded, shyly.

_"You're Christian"._

I beamed.

_"I am. Do you like your new room"?_

She nodded excitedly.

_"It's really nice and Pink's my favoruite colour too"._

I held out my arms to her. She hugged me slightly reserved.

_"This is your new home. Do you want to look around?"_

She thought about it for a moment and then ran off through the house before we could stop her. Slowly, I stood up.

_"This is why you sent me on a wild goose chase this morning"?_

_"It wasn't a goose chase"._

_"You wanted pistachio ice-cream with methai. And insisted I don't return without it. Do you really think I'll find that in Brighton"?_

Syed laughed loudly.

_"Ok, maybe it was. But I wanted to make it special. Elaine's coming over tomorrow to do the paperwork with you"._

I smiled. I was actually going to be a father.

I took Syed into my arms and kissed him deeply.

_"I love you"._

His bottomless eyes which led me straight to his soul, flashed.

We heard Natasha on the landing and stepped apart simultaneously. I knew that we both had the same thought. No point confusing her just yet, we'd ease her in with mine and Syed's relationship.

Tasha ran back in.

_"You have a puppy"._

We looked at each other and smiled.

_"Yup. Do you like him"?_

Her grey eyes were bright as she nodded holding him.

_"I've always wanted a puppy but I wasn't allowed one. What's his name"?_

We looked at each other, again smiling. We looked back at Natasha in the same moment.

_"Superman"._

We both laughed.

She looked confused at our laughter.

_"Why are you laughing"?_

_"It's just a private joke between Syed and I. We'll explain it when you're a little bit older". _

She just nodded, happily acceptant of the answer.

_"What type of puppy is he"?_

_"Its a husky". _Syed had answered.

_"He's beautiful"._

Syed and I both agreed with this. Superman had pure white fur with dark black eyes. The contrast of his eyes and fur were almost breathtaking. We'd both agreed on the name Superman immediately. It held a lot of significance to us both.

_"We'll leave you to get settled into your new room, is that ok"?_

_"Yes, but I can play with Superman too"?_

I smiled as I listened to Syed and Natasha. He already had slipped into 'father' mode and it suited him. This really was a surprise like no other, and caused me to feel love for Syed even more, if that was even possible.

I looked up in slight surprise, as Syed motioned with his eyebrows for me to come outside. I followed him, overwhelmingly happy in the knowledge of what just happened. The shock hadn't quite sunk in. I was actually a 'dad'. I grinned broadly at him as I followed him downstairs into the lounge. I grabbed Syed's arm, turned him to face me and kissed him deeply. He could never understand how much this meant to me. I broke away eventually.

_"Thank you"._

His eyes glowed.

_"I love you"._

_"I love you too"._

We stood lightly holding each other, communicating with our eyes. His fingers were tracing patterns on my back. 

_"There's a reason I bought you here"._

_"So it wasn't just because you wanted to seduce me"? _ I teasingly said.

_"I bought you a present, I hope you don't mind"._

My eyebrows flew up in surprise. A present?

_"We've officialy adopted Tasha, and you still buy me a present"?_

He laughed gently.

_"You're worth it"._

It was my turn to laugh.

_"You make me sound like an advert for L'Oreal"._

_"But you are Christian Clarke. Look can I give it to you already"?_

I smiled at his insistence. My mind ran through possibilities but I really didn't know what it could be.

I watched Syed's hands as they reached into his back pocket. So it was something small then. Before I could narrow it down any further, Syed opened his palm. I gasped at it. My hands shook slightly as I retrieved it. It was a shiny, silver band. Even before I touched it, I could tell it was the real-deal and not a knock-off. Not that it mattered to me anyway.

_"This must have cost you a fortune"._

Syed shrugged.

_"I was saving up for quite some time. I knew that it was perfect for you right from the moment I saw it". _

_"You really are something special Syed Masood. I don't know what I've done to deserve you."_

"_I love you Christian. I'm still in love with you, just like I always have been and always will be"._

His words caused my insides to burn with love and desire. That was exactly how I felt.

_"You and Natasha are all the family I need"._

I looked up at him through my eyelashes. Every ounce of his face showed me that he meant it.

_"Don't forget we still have another 2 spare bedroom upstairs too"_

_"In case Tasha wanted a brother or sister". _I continued.

"_Or both" _Syed finished off.

I kissed him again on the lips, our tongues dancing together. I loved this man so much and Syed was worth leaving everything behind. One day, I sincerely believed in my heart that Syed would be able to go back to his family and be accepted. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.

_"There's a message inside too"._

I hadn't noticed it, too shocked from the fact that a.) of what he had just said b.) Syed had spent so much money on me and c.) he had even bought me this beautiful ring. I felt a lump rise in my throat as I read the inscribed message.

_Yours forever, Love Sy_

I looked at the figure of perfection in front of me.

_"You really are". _

He seemed to understand that I was referring to the ring.

_"Really"?_

_"Yes you are. Oh and just in case you didn't know, I belong to you"._

_"Prove it" Syed _casually said slipping his hands into mine.

I watched on in utter disbelief as Syed took the ring, dropped to one knee and spoke:

_"Marry me". _

My mouth dropped open. That was the something I wanted more than anything. I nodded shell shocked. I was going to get married to the most amazing man. To my soulmate. Syed's eyes burned with lust as he flashed me the most sexiest smile that caused my stomach to dip from the intensity of it. He slipped the ring onto my finger.

It fitted perfectly.


End file.
